 Addiction and DID my experience
does anyone here, have DID? or multiple personality disorder as it was formally called. anyway, i do. it has been QUITE the experience getting clean. when i first started out, all the drs told me i would never be able to get clean because not all the different parts of me wanted to. my psych told me it was impossible becasuse i didn't have enough control over them.... i decided to try anyway, it has been a huge struggle, and i did have one relapse because of it, i was taking the bus through an old using neighbourhood and didn't make it out. i switched and the next thing i knew i was high. it was such a let down, i thought that because i had been able to control it during treatment, that i was ok. i felt completely hopeless. but i carred on. i'm now 7 months clean. yay! but there are still parts of me that are fighting every step of the way, sometimes it take all my energy just to keep those parts inside. it's so tiring, meetings are a chalenge too, at first i was afraid everytime i went, i was afraid that i would switch, and a few times i did. luckily we quickly came to an agreement that only the older alters would come out during meetings so no one would notice the change. but sometimes i just plain dissociate, and i go completely catatonic. i don't respond to anyone and ppl don't know how to get me back. it scares ppl. it has caused a lot of anxiety for me in the rooms. i find myself so unpredictable..... about half way through my recovery, i found out that i was actually the host ( the main personailty) for all my life i thought i was an alter, and one of the other ones was the host, but when she disappeared for 3 months, i had to take over. it was like stepping into soeone else's life and having to take over without anyone noticiing the difference. my first sponser was really great, she understood what was happening ot me, and allowed the other parts to come out around her. the one i have now does't, and i try t respect that, but when i get emotional or overwhelmed during step work or something, i don't always have enough control, so again there is an inner agreement that only older ones will coe out. but the problem is that i don't remember what happens when i switch, so a lot of the work i am doing with my sponser, i don't rmeember. it is all very frustrating. i have recently realised tht i have a secondary addiction, self harm. i have done it most of my life, but i'm just starting ot see how it really is an addiction for me. i go through all the same behaviours as when i was using. i'm currently working on that too now. i have almost three weeks! but i am craviong it, not because i'm upset, but just because i want to do it. and i never really had any drug cravuings before, i just hurt myself. but now that i'm not doing slef harm, i am craving like crazy!!!!! it's been almost constant in my head for 3 weeks, and i feel myself wearing doewn to it. like the other night when i let my friends use in front of me. i'm not sure how much longer i can put it off, and some other parts of me are breaking down even quicker than me, so the ratio of wanting to use vs not wanting to is gettingsmaller. anyway i hope to hear from someone soon, and it's nice to meet you all, my name is taima, and i';m an addict |