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GingerM · 04-30-2006, 09:39 AM

Daddysgirl has a good point in that *if* you're going to talk to him, make sure it's coming from a place of love, and that he is aware of how much you/your friends care about him and worry about him. You may be able to slip in something to the effect of no matter what he does or what decisions he makes, you'll still care about him and want the best for him (thus avoiding the sexual orientation subject head-on, but letting him know that the love is unconditional).

Having one of these discussions is not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and a tremendous amount of love for the person you're trying to help.

While the media likes to portray interventions as big group sessions with everyone in the family all talking to the person at once, the reality is, being pounced upon by a pack of people is very intimidating and may cause even more problems. He needs to hear the same message from all of his friends, but one at a time will make it easier to swallow.

I might start by just telling him in an aside that you value his friendship, and you see that there seems to be something bothering him, and you want to let him know that you're there for him no matter how big the issue is. Then let it sit for a few days or a week or so. Then approach him again, being slightly more specific, wait again, approach again etc, each time getting more and more specific until you think he is going to be at least partially receptive to being told that you're worried that he's an alcoholic and needs help.

Two rules to bear in mind:
The first rule of medicine: first, do no harm
The first rule of rescue: do not put the rescuer at risk

In other words, do your best, but not at the expense of yourself. Particularly if you have previous history with alcoholics in your immediate family or previous alcoholic relationships, you are in danger of getting sucked into a toxic world. Doing your best means that you can be supportive, you can be encouraging, but you can not MAKE him see something he doesn't want to see, and it may drive him further down the very path you're attempting to keep him from going down.

It's a fine line, and I don't envy your position. He will not be willing to try being sober until he's ready to try being sober. You can't do much to make him be ready, that's his path to walk.

04-30-2006, 09:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
GingerM Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Under the Rainbow Posts: 610	Daddysgirl has a good point in that if you're going to talk to him, make sure it's coming from a place of love, and that he is aware of how much you/your friends care about him and worry about him. You may be able to slip in something to the effect of no matter what he does or what decisions he makes, you'll still care about him and want the best for him (thus avoiding the sexual orientation subject head-on, but letting him know that the love is unconditional). Having one of these discussions is not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and a tremendous amount of love for the person you're trying to help. While the media likes to portray interventions as big group sessions with everyone in the family all talking to the person at once, the reality is, being pounced upon by a pack of people is very intimidating and may cause even more problems. He needs to hear the same message from all of his friends, but one at a time will make it easier to swallow. I might start by just telling him in an aside that you value his friendship, and you see that there seems to be something bothering him, and you want to let him know that you're there for him no matter how big the issue is. Then let it sit for a few days or a week or so. Then approach him again, being slightly more specific, wait again, approach again etc, each time getting more and more specific until you think he is going to be at least partially receptive to being told that you're worried that he's an alcoholic and needs help. Two rules to bear in mind: The first rule of medicine: first, do no harm The first rule of rescue: do not put the rescuer at risk In other words, do your best, but not at the expense of yourself. Particularly if you have previous history with alcoholics in your immediate family or previous alcoholic relationships, you are in danger of getting sucked into a toxic world. Doing your best means that you can be supportive, you can be encouraging, but you can not MAKE him see something he doesn't want to see, and it may drive him further down the very path you're attempting to keep him from going down. It's a fine line, and I don't envy your position. He will not be willing to try being sober until he's ready to try being sober. You can't do much to make him be ready, that's his path to walk.