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Your father dying is NOT your fault. Your mother drinking is NOT your fault. At some level, your mother knows that only she is to blame for her drinking, but she can't own up to it, so she needs to blame someone else. Unfortunately, you're the one who is there to be blamed. You did not fail her as a daughter, she is failing you as a mother. This is her disease, her choice, her actions.
You do not ask her to drink, you do not pour the alcohol down her throat, you do not ask her to hit you or demean you. This is also nothing you have any control over whatsoever.
Please do what you can to insulate yourself from her, both physically and emotionally. AlaTeen might help you if you can arrange to go to meetings. If not, then come here and read the stories of others. You are not alone.
I am 39 years old and an Adult Child of Alcoholics (both parents). It took a lot of counselling and a lot of courage, but I am finally well on my way to being healthy. With some luck, you may be able to find your path to peace earlier in your life than I did.
Take care of yourself first and foremost. You can't change your mother, but hopefully you can prepare yourself better for surviving the situation relatively emotionally intact.
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