[candycat]

well if you have seen my posts, i have stopped drinking on 18th april 2006,on antabuse now, i also have bi-polar, i also have self harmed for about 15years since i was 8, i have no idea how it started and maybe everything is connected that i have but i feel doomed to mental health probs lol..... i used to scartch myself when i was about 8 alot to feel nicer inside it made me feel happier ;s i like hurting myself because i thought i was a bad kid, my dad hit me.( he dided when i was 12) when i was at school i got bullied for haing no dad so i would heah bang walls felt like a drug oddly made me relaxed, i also found sissors and did smalls marks on my legs and arms , when i left school i beame a recluse never went out i got depressed ,drunk and hated myself i would burn scold and find razor blade to hurt myself my body is a mass or scars now and ev1 comments in summer if i dont wear sleeves cover up wich ids rare none even knew untill 3 years ago. now im drinking was another way of harming myself im thinking now, because i thought no one would see that way, being sober has brought all my self loathing back ful on and i cant stop thinking about hurting myself , i have a fionce who looks for signs it upsets him. im now finding ways of doing it without none notcing picking my head and burning my unrleg. i hate this i know being sober is good but i dont want to feel the way before i drunk im very confused no one around like to hear me talk about this.... tanya thank you for reading this xxxxxxx