You know, I've come to realize something.There's so much going on -- so much that is effecting my thoughts and emotions right now. And I guess that's really why I'm having such a difficult time. So, I'm thinking if I just put it all out, it will help me make better sense of things and maybe to work out some things too.
I'm still within the first six months of quitting smoking. While I'm very proud of my accomplishment, it has a negative side. I haven't "even'd out" yet with my emotions. I really need to find out how long before I can really deal without cigs being right there.
Trish's death. It had a big effect on me. I miss her and I am feeling guilty that I missed her birthday thread; I didn't tell her how much she meant to me; we were supposed to get back together again, and didn't....There's a void, and I feel badly that I didn't give back to her what she gave to me. I wasn't a good friend...I wasn't there for her.
The crap at school. Nuf said right now, no?
The tenent. Rent's always late; work on house not being done; can't evict him. If I tried to start proceedings, he doesn't have to pay rent, and it can take up to a year in RI. I have to wait till his lease is up. That will be next Sept. And he can do a lot of damage within that time. He agreed to do certain work in return for a lowered rent. It's not getting done at all. He's a con artist, and I got conned -- again.
And Trevor. He told me he had severe problems with his kidneys and liver. I spoke to his dad last week about it; dad had no idea, and thought Trevor was keeping it from him, out of concern cuz he recently had a heart attack. So, Monday, I asked Trevor. I was concerned, because nothing was happening as far as medication; treatment for his HepC...which, according to him when he first told me, was imminent. I posted about it then.
Anyway, I asked Trevor why his dad didn't know what he had told me. Trevor became arrogant and argumentative. I told him twice I was not going to fight about it. That I was only asking a question. Then, he swore at me, accusing me of "starting shyte."
I hung up on him. I haven't heard from him since.
This is Trevor's typical behavior when he's "caught." To hurl the insults, swears and blame any and everywhere but at himself.
Bottom line, I'm angry, hurt and a bit embarrassed that I fell for his garbage again. And that his manipulation effected others besides myself. Trish started a prayer thread just for him as a result of his story.
So, there's a TON of stuff going on. Yes, this stuff at school is bad. But, there is really nothing in my life that's going right right now. Well, except my quit from smoking. But that is still wreaking havoc on my emotions.
And you know, I really wish I had someone to talk with regularly. I've been alone too long. And I'm not happy about that either...But, the stuff I learned yesterday at school, that I was so upset over, was really just the straw that broke the camel's back. It brought all of this to the fore, like a volcano erupting. Know what I mean?
And it seems like all this powerlessness is making me crazy too! Cuz, I can't change any of it, and I don't like any of it. So, basically, I'm in a "wait it out" mode, wishing my life away, cuz I hate it right now. I am accepting what is, but, I don't have to like it.
Thanks for listening again. I hope you're still awake. And I appreciate everything you've done for me...
me --->
<---happy, pretty, fun -- ie, everyone else.
Shalom!