I decided to start a new thread. I've realized I've been having this great big pity party and I'm tired of it. I'm sure anyone who's been reading the
"What's wrong with me...." thread is tired of it too.
So this is how this whole pity party started. This list I made on 1/26/06. I'm going to attempt to explain some things off as I go over it.
What’s wrong with me:
•I’m not healthy – don’t eat right, eat junk late at night when I can’t sleep and I’m not really hungry, smoke, I’d like to lose 25 pounds.
I feel like I'm trying to get healthier. I'm still a smoker and don't plan to quit any time real soon. I've lost somewhere around 12 lbs and I haven't been doing the late night binge eating.
•Can’t sleep – always wake up tired
I've been sleeping better for the most part but I do wake up not feeling rested about 5 days out of the week. I need to speak to my doctor about this again. I cannot afford the sleep study.
•Can’t budget my money well – I’m broke but I shouldn’t be
I'm still working on this one.
•I don’t follow through with anything
At this point, there isn't much to follow through with, I don't do anything really except for come to work. I need much work in the motivation department.
•I don’t have any energy
This sort of goes along with not feeling rested. It also has to do with my mental energy.
•I feel like I’m always “faking it”
I don't fake it anymore. I'm really trying to be better at being ME.
•I can’t say how I feel – I don’t know how I feel
I still have a hard time identifying my emotions. I've been reading a book that has some activities to help me with this.
•It’s easy for me to express anger
This has always been the case for me but I don't see it as a problem.
•I don’t like to cry in front of people
Still don't like doing this.
•I like to keep things to myself – I tell myself “it’s my business” even though things affect my partner
I still have this "my business" mentality but I've been making a real effort to share with my gf and I think it's been helping.
•I keep things to myself because I’m embarrassed or ashamed of them
•I don’t know or understand why I’m depressed
•I’m scared to death when I am home alone at night. I usually don’t sleep at all. Sometimes lie in bed and cry. I’m sure someone will break into the house and rape and kill me. (phobia?) Every noise I hear sounds like the front door or a broken window….etc. I used to drink a six-pack (give or take) so I could be drunk enough to pass out. I would then hide the empties in the trashcan before my partner would get home.
The Effexor must have helped with this. I've sort of all a sudden noticed that I'm not scared anymore. This is the one positive effect that I know the meds have had on me. I have been home alone since my sobriety and I was able to stay sober and keep myself busy and not be scared
•I don’t feel like I know who I am or what I’m doing.
•I’m a binge drinker – (I quit drinking on 12/3/05)
I've been sober now for 4 months. I still wish I could drink like a normal person but I know I can't. I'm proud of myself for staying sober.
•I can’t make decisions.
•I can’t concentrate.
Both concentration and making decisions are still almost impossible for me. I've been so much in to my head lately that it's so mixed up. I has really been affecting my work. Again, something i need to speak to the Dr. about.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just had to get his all out.
The book I've been reading has made me realize how negative my thinking is. It give me some great ideas on how to stop that type of thinking. I am going to find a therapist. I've been saying that for some time now and I am going to do it. My plan is to go back to my Dr. and talk to him about my concerns. I'm going to explain my anxiety about finding a therapist and see if he can point me in the right direction or give me a referral. I did just recently read that it might be better to go to a psychiatrist to have med prescribed because they are better at it. I'll ask him about that as well.
My next step, later today or may be tomorrow is to make a
"Gratitude List".