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hi, I got up late....i got my kids to school on time! can you believe Will is going to represetn his tutor class today and meet the Duke of Gloucester! so last night i spent time fixing his uniform and polished his shoes etc....
the alarm woke me up but i tilted back into sleep and overslept this morning...god i feel lousy....
I am aware that there are som any peolpe who feel the same as me...i have decided to go to the lunchtime meeting today...but feel a bit like Rose...its like oh god i dont really want to go...it takes such an effort...i know that getting out will help me but i want to stay cocooned inthe saftely of my own home...using excuses not to go out....
My sponsor told me I sound depressed still...ha ha bless her how does she know me so well?!!!!
I wish i could be one of those normal people you know that leaves school get a job, has loving parent swho would lay thier life down for you and supply you with the love and secutrity you need...but I am bloody 40 years old for gods sake...when am i going to wake up and get myself a life?
I left my last job because of the bullying and could not stand the horrendous way they treated the kids....now i feel like an alien...i have no job, no focus...im drifitng from day to day spending more and more time on SR....I just dont want the real world...i want to wrap myslef up in a bubble and nobody can hurt me anymore..
I have the most loving caring husband who would lay his life down for me....my kids adore me....I have some friends who love me to bits.....so Why then do i feel so unlovable?
is it becasue i totally despise me? is it the guilts and shames of the past? i dont really know...ive always been honest.....but when it comes to me its like im not worth a thing....
god low self esteem......
i nknow that only i can do something about this...but what?
right now I just cannot face getting a job or even applying because i fear rejection...ive been to several interviews over the last year and got nothing.....what the hell is worng with me?
I used to feel so passionate about what i do but now i feel its been beaten out of me...they have finally won......where has my passion gone? my commitment? my love for the kind of work i love to do? where has it gone? inside i feel nothing.....nothing at all...its like someone has taken my passion and love away and left a void...someone in a meeting once described it as 'kicking a puppy' thats how i feel like ive been kicked and kicked and now ive given up.......ive crawled right back under the stone where they want me to be.... infact im sure a lot of people would like to see me dead.....well f@ck them.....
this it you see...i can come across as being the vivacious, vibrant, confident woman.....it frightens people...they dont want that do they...they want that puppy to fu@king whip and beat.....
the thing is there is a side to me that is confident, fun loving and confident..but i swing from side to side!....if only they knew the pain the anguish and the fear that is deep within me...would they be such @rseholes to me then?
I am still that little girl wanting so desperatly to be liked...just liked thats all......just seen for the person i am..osmeone who f@cking CARES.....
when i make a friend I am fiercely loyal...to the point where i would kill to save you...i woul d lay my life down for you....then i get scared because then you have all the holding cards...you can wipe me aside, thenleave me with nothing....Trust trust.....i have been so hurt and let down by the very people I trusted..they F@cking kicked me so hard and twisted the knife so much witha huge smile on thier faces...and it hurts like hell....so today what are you left with? a mess thatas what....me....
you are left with me...a foolish 40 year old who is to damned frightend to apply for a job and get her life back on track......
I have made some wonderful friends on here, im honoured...but still feel lsess than...im scared and lonely in my own head...its like im here but im not...maybe i am sick and maybe ia ma going to die...i just dont know....
if i died would anyone really notice for long?
that is not pity stuff it really makes me wonder you know...i feel so insignificant right now...........
like a tiny tiny dot on the screen...the world is so big and here i am so insignificant in it all...so meaningless, so redundant......
this is how i feel about ME...how can i heal that? how can i take a long hard look in the mirror and say kenny i love you for who you are....how do i do that and really mean it?
how do i live my life? where is the instruction manual?
i used to play my guitar....i have tow very sad looking instrumetns in the house neglected and unplayed...the joy has gone its simply gone.........
i will pray and i will go to that meeting...i will pick up a newspaper on the way home and i will keep looking for a job.....
i will keep doing the daily stuff...i will...i have no choice.......
I am 5 years sober...i thought life would be better well it is theres no dobt about that....but mentally the madness festers it lives on...it is my very own nightmare.....
i guess i keep going through the motions...something will shift...something will give...i will just try and keep on keeping on...i will tell that committeein my head to **** off!!!
thankyou for listening....i dont even mind if you havnt read this..its whati needed to do this morning to stop myslef going mad......
madness....
purrdyxxxx
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