[angelamay]

I found this site today while searching for a support group in my area for bipolar disorder. I was recenlty diagnosed as bipolar II. When I was 15 my Mom was diagnosed bipolar (that was 16 years ago) and they put her on lithium to start. Our family did not know how to take or handle this and we did what we had been doing for years, we ignored it. My Mom soon found she missed her mania and went off of her meds and our lives went back to the hell we'd become accustomed to. I still have a hard time forgiving my Mom to this day but I am working on it very hard. For many years the term bipolar has been thrown at me but I quickly turned my back to it, not wanting to be like my Mother. For the last year I have been fighting an alcohol addiction and was convinced that was my problem. However, when I got sober I still felt confused, crazy, out of control, and I missed the alcohol because now I wasn't able to drown my craziness away.

Three weeks ago my boyfriend was left little choice by me and he had to call the police. I was suicidal and he was at his wits end. He saved my life with out a doubt. So, for the second time in 6 months I found myself in a psych center on a state hold and this time, the kept me for 7 days. I don't know why for the first time ever I was open to the bipolar diagnosis but nothing else was working and I was exhausted. They started me on Lithium and within a few days I felt better. Normally, I would have been climbing the walls to get out, planning some kind of an escape, and I would have most definatly never left my bed. But, I attended groups, talked with the counselors, my psyciatrist and my family honestly. A huge wieght was lifting from my shoulders and it felt good.

The courts mandated that I go through a 30 day intensive out patient substance abuse program in order to be released. In my mind, however, alcohol was merely a symptom of my disease and I had no desire to drink. Until today. I woke up wanting to drink and this has messed with my mind all day today. I am now having thoughts of relapse. Is lithium still working? Do I need to call my Doctor? Am I freaking out over nothing? I am going to go to an AA meeting in a few hours. But what about my racing thoughts? I am so new to being medicated that I don't know if I am creating this myself or if it is truly a warning sign. I was looking for a support group in my area because I know few people besides my Mom (still unmedicated) who are bipolar and I am just looking for a little information. I don't want to overreact but this disease has nearly killed me on more than one occassion and I am afraid I won't live through another episode.