[shutterbug]

Yes Butterfly Kisses...you are going through what a physciatrist will most likely diagnoses as Major Depressive Dissorder or episode. You MUST seek treatment with a good psychiatrist and get yourself into weekly therapy sessions. If money is an issue or you dont' have health insurance then there are ways around that and programs available.

It is the most horrible place to be and I know that from experience. In the past year I have slept at much as 24 hours straight (without a brief waking to go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarrette).

Start getting your hands on as much reading material as possible about depression and major depression (there are different levels of depression, ya know, and the kind you are going through is what I and many others consider to be the worst kind). But it's not hopeless and it can and will get better. You have to believe that even though I know how hard that is.

I used all my time in bed to educate myself on mental illness as much as I possibly could. And don't let anyone (even yourself) convince you that you are just being lazy...you're not. It's a chemical imbalance...and no different than diabetis or any other physical illness.

I am bipolar...and when I was in college (around age 21 or 22) I had my first major depressive episode. I didn't know what was going one, but I knew that I was waking up every morning feeling like I had been ran over by a semi-truck a hundred times. I went to the campus wellness center and doctors about once a week and they prescribed anti-botic on top of anti-biotic for a never-ending sinus infection. The meds did nothing. Finally, a doc prescribed an anti-depressant, but b/c of a sort of phobia of pills I quit taking them after a month when I saw no improvement.

I ended up having to drop out of college and return home for a semester and a summer before going back.

I was fine for the next 7 years or so (except for a consistant mild depression for about 2 years) before the big one hit. I didn't know what was happening to me until I found this site and started talking to people. Everything came clear to me...I was bipolar. The year before my first major depression I had been manic and barely sleeping, but I or no one else had realized it.

And before this last one hit...I was manic for about 2 years and working 50-70 hours a week even though I rarely got paid for more than 40.

My 2nd major depression was much stronger and lasted longer than my first. If I had been diagnosed as bipolar that first time then I could have prepared and lessened the intensity of the enivitable.

Anyway, I'm not saying you are bipolar too, but it's something to rule out with a good psychiatrist.

I've been through hell and back this past 2 years, but my life is coming back together 100 percent better than I was before this past episode. Knowing what I know now, if I could rewind time and I had a choice of wether or not to go through all the torture of major depression or not....I would choose to go through it. Sounds odd, I know, but I have learned SO much by going through it and my future looks brighter now.

Just don't give up. I came very close a few times and it's not worth it. I believe everythign happens for a reason and there is always positive to be found in even the worst of circumstances.

Anyway, rest and relax and work on yourself and only you for now. Make that appointment with a psychiatrist and psychologist (for counseling) as soon as possible! THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!

Best wishes and lots of hugs,
Jenna