[Purrdy]

I went to a lovely meeting the other day and someone was talking about recovery and feelings.....Now we all know that self abuse of any kind is just a symptom of our DIS_EASE.....they talked about being 'in pain'.....
Now im not talking about physical pain here although that does not help, Im talking about mental pain.....


I have had to deal with emotional pain for all of my life, as a child it was emotional abuse...leading to feelings of inadequacy, feeling unloved and un lovable, there are also feelings which stem from this such as I cant cope with this because i do not feel equipped to do so!

The last five years of my sobriety have been a real roller coaster of painful emotions and having to learn how to actually feel them and cope with them without self harming now that has been hard!


Today I feel pain when someone says something which 'cuts' now they may not know that they have 'hurt' me so I bleed in silence...this manifests itself and resentments begin to simmer....Now what am I going to do? aneathetise myself or self harm in order to gain 'control' over these feelings or try to do the opposite?!!!

That is the hardest part for me right now, knowing whether or not its worth getting my knickers in a twist about or not!!!

and what about those resentments? I still feel very raw and sore from the last job situation but I do feel like I am beginning to heal.....I do this by talking to my sponsor, attending meetings and making connections with others who feel the same and also venting on here!!! it is painful! no two ways about it....

I feel inadequate
I feel that I am not enough
I feel like I am a failure
I feel stupid/foolish
I feel fear
I feel sad
I feel angry
I feel exposed....like I am under a microscope and that I am being analysed


These feelings are horrible they make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I am frightened about my future I feel lost right now, like Im drifting with no wehre in particular to go!

But I am sober , I am not self harming today! I know that I have to 'prioritise' and get some jobs checked off my list, I know I have to keep communicating this stuff to whoever will listen or read! I will not isolate, no matter how daft or insignificant my 'problems are today, I know that there are people who really care about me
I have to do what is suggested for my recovery

For if I do that I know that I can get a bit better everyday......

just had to get that out this morning, I am feeling 'pain' right now because I have an essay to write, I am blocked with all those feelings above but I absolutely know I have to break through them and get this done, I know I will feel better afterwards! its hard, its suffocating sometimes!!!

Venting and communicating is part of my recovery its part of who i am and once this is out it may help to sweep some of the rubbish out of the way to clear the blockage!!!!

anyway thanks for listening/reading.....

I am please to be here, I am pleased to be sober, I have a wealth of love and support around me and I am grateful.......

I know I will become stronger for doing this for getting sober and better everyday


Thankyou


love purrdyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx