[Sugah]

"Nothing changes if nothing changes." We hear that a lot in recovery, and we set about to change things so things change. As habits, thought process, old ways of acting and reacting change....all the bits and pieces of us change, we begin to change as a whole. We become someone different than who we were before. Depending on how far down the scale we have gone, that metamorphosis is necessary if we are to live. Our lives literally depend upon the spiritual awakening that transforms all that we were into all that we need to be in order to stay clean.

You don't say how long your husband used. I can almost guarantee that if he was using when you met him, he's not the person you married...that is, if he's working the program as its been taught to me. If he wasn't using, if the addiction is something that "just happened" over the course of your marriage, he's probably still someone completely different. Many of us hold the belief that we were born addicts -- that we displayed addictive thinking and behavior long before we ever picked up a drug. Recovery teaches us to replace that thinking and behavior -- the steps transform us, and the resulting person may look the same, even enjoy the same kinds of things, but the thinking, and hence, the feeling, is different. So...who he is now may be someone you don't even know.

It hurts to lose someone we love...even to think about losing someone we love hurts. I lost people when I got clean for different reasons. The way I dealt with it was to realize myself as someone complete, whole, and I learned to enjoy those other people in my life -- not need for them to be there. The best and most gentle thing you can do for yourself is to continue working your own program. Love without expectations is a spiritual gift to us. If you open yourself to that gift, be willing to accept it, then it won't matter if he comes back tomorrow or he doesn't. The treasure of feeling love and giving love, regardless of if or in what form it's returned, will be enough.

I'll keep you in my prayers. I fear I've totally bungled what what I was trying to share, but I'll put my faith in my HP's ability to transmit my "spiritual hug" across the miles to you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah