SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

Grimey · 03-05-2006, 06:50 PM

Hello people

I'm new here for a start, in fact I haven’t used a website like this before. What i'm saying here is truly just a vent, I don't expect to get a replies, but hopefuly some people would who have similar problems to myself. If you were to read the whole deal here, well it would take you a long time, because I really am in a venting/writing mood, and would like to portray my feelings, so just flick through it / skim through it if you can't be bothered with the whole thing.

It all started a few years ago, not that long ago, but i can't remember when. I have a very bad memory, especially my short term. I was an early teenager and I discovered weed with one of my best friends at the time, who was from a poor family, his brothers heavily into crime. I smoked my first bong, wooo no big deal there. But this is how it begun. Infact to add a little humour to this vent, I was actually caught by my parents.

So that's how it began, so now I’ll fast-forward a year or so because after that I didn't smoke weed again, I just smoked rolling tobacco. In fact I’m going to cut this short, because what I really need help with is something else, I don't think it needs the whole build up, and I’m pretty tired. And it doesn't build up to much so I wouldn't like to disappoint anyone.

Anyway. I used to be a really confident person, I made friends so easy, even though I don't like to admit it 4 years a go I was pretty popular. From that point things have gone down hill, like I can't explain why myself. I think i suffer from long-term paranoia and depression as a result of about 4 years of smoking weed everyday, and doing harder drugs weekly - monthly. I'm not sure if it's the weed that's done this to me, or the class B's and A's.

I think my brain has been affected in other more serious ways. I feel stupid. I have the worst general knowledge out of all my friends; by such a long way it makes me wander. I'm not dyslexic as far as school result showed when I was younger, so now im starting to think maybe it's the result of drugs. I stopped heavily smoking weed a year ago now, when I started to notice how stupid it was making me, Paranoid, and as a result of this I became heavily depressed. I often like to think I know exactly what is wrong with me, but do i really, or is it just paranoia? I think this whole thought cycle is making me mad, I know i have some serious issues and people are starting to realise. Old friend, male a female notice it. When I do smoke weed I become so seriously paranoid, it's horrible, why I still do it I don't know!!

I only smoke it a few times a month but i know it's bad for me, and I still take harder drugs like coke, pills (ecstasy), mdma occasionally. When I do smoke it I often think people are talking about me, and i know this is a pretty common side effect of smoking weed. The annoying thing is i get this sometimes when i'm not stoned, and again this just makes more depressed, because i just sit there and spin-out (a phrase my friends use for when you are high and your not quite sure what is going on). People can tell when you spin-out, and especially with me because I think they are getting used to seeing it. I don't know if there is a medical term for this phrase we use haha, or maybe it's just something I get.

When I first smoked weed I used to "whitey" or whatever it's called, not like be sick, i was hardly ever sick. I think it's when you loose a lot of oxygen to the brain, maybe this is what's making me stupid? memory loss etc. Once when I was 16 going on 17, I smoked a few bong and took a lot of poppers directly after and I passed out, I woke up to two of my best friends shaking me tells me to wake up. I felt totaly ****** afterwards, and my friends looked very scared, apparently i was shaking, like i was having a fit. Any sane person would of gone home and slept, instead a drank a whole (half sized bottle) bottle of JD whisky and passed out with my leggs in a river and woke up to 2 guys in suits trying to push me in.

The thing is my group of friends are ****-ups. We wern't. Until we met this person, for the sake of this piece of writing I’ll call him rich boy. Rich boy moved into my village, where my group of friends also lived around 4 years ago, this is when things started to get really bad, and the smoking got very excessive. Rich boy is possibly my best friend, even though i hate him. He is the downfall of myself, he is the dark side of me who wants to get ****** up, take beans, go to raves and generally don't give a flying **** about anything.
Without this person, i know i would of been ok in life. Rich boy has a millionaire mommy, and step dad, he is also an only child. Selfish, arrogant and almost un human in personality. But we are best friend all the same. Where is this going? maybe somewhere but i'm not to sure. Basically he dropped out of college in his first year, and ever since then he has got high. I'm in my third year of college, and have a place in university next year studying a foundation course in computer game design.

Now we all know lots of people get high on drugs, and im not the only person, so i hope I’m not coming across like I'm the only one with problems because i know I’m not. Rich boy once took 37 gurners yes that’s thirty-seven ecstasy pills (mitzi turbos), he collapsed the next day, and went to hospital for a week. The doctors told his parents he almost went into a deep coma. It's events like these which have brought me and my friends close, really close. In the same year Rich boy dropped out of college, another one of my friends did, one from my close-knit circle of friends. One of the cleverest of the lot of us, all because he wanted to get ****** with rich boy. Rich boy has no worries in life, he hasn't had a job in two years.

One year later, another one of my friends drops out of college. He is now working in a local supermarket full time and has been for a half a year with no further plans. Two months later ANOTHER of my BEST friends drops out of college. All these people are in my close 5 friends group... I'm not blaiming this all on rich boy, but i can't help but think things would be different if he hadn't of moved to the village.

Anyway.. I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years, I have barely even kissed many girls in that time, let alone had sex with them. I'm not a virgin, but i'm starting to feel like, if i hadn't of had sex when i was younger, I would and may remain a virgin for the rest of my life. All my focused, organised, confidant friends are in uni, getting laid. I wish i had escaped from this **** hole of a village like they did. Man they have changed so much since they have left, i would consider them every day people now. I feel I am intelligent like these people who left, i just have 1 motivation point, that's 1 point more than rich boy (that's why im still in college).

I believe myself to be a very sensative person, perhaps passionate, and loving all the characteristics someone wants to believe about himself or herself. I'm appalled to find no women see this in me, I think it's down to my paranoia. If only it would go away and I would get my old confidence back. I need a new life! One of the only times I get confident is when i drink alcohol. Ofcourse that is pretty obvious. So now instead of smoking weed, i drink alcohol. I'm not alocholic, but usually when i'm going out places where it involves socialising with girls I have to drink, usually quite heavily. I find coke doesn't make me confident like some people say it does, it makes me feel the opposite, unless i get real drunk first then do a load of coke, then i feel ******, but very confident hehe

This is starting to get long, I just hope that someone reads it. Hopefully someone has some advice, that would be really nice and appreciated. I'm so.. er.. pissed off with myself, i tend to just sit inside my house these days playing mmorpg computer games, hiding from real life problems. I go out for fag breaks with my mates in the village, but a lot of the time i'm just gaming away. I don't sleep until around 4am most night, 99% of the last year i have gone to bed after 3 am. I feel so knackered in the morning for hoiurs, but it's a lot worse on the days when i get stoned and have to wake up early.

I'm starting to think if this is really a good idea to post this, probably it is, probably i will get flamed for some reason, probably one of my friends will read it.. :\ i really hope not. That's the thing, the only reason i'm posting this here is because, well i have no one i trust to share this with. Better people i don't know that people who can spread rumours localy. God i wish i had a girlfriend, one of which i really got a long with and could spend hours talking about our problems. I'm not going to get a girlfriend in this current state.

My only hope is starting again fresh in university, this where things get interesting in more ways that one. First a fresh start would do me the world of good, i did camp America in the summer and met a load of new people, that went really well. Even though I know some of them though i was a bit strange, but then Rich boy came all the way down to America in the last two weeks of my 10 weeks holiday. strange, yes. This leads me on to say that.. i made a huge mistake. When i was drunk i told rich boy that there was a chance that he could come to university with me. As the course im going to study is a foundation course, u don't need A levels to get in. I do have 2, nearly three A levels, but i have never done any computing before so i wanted to learn as the course i want to learn in computer game design. Anyway rich boy is into computer games too and well now he is investigating into coming to the same university as me. OMG this has to be the worst case scenario. Massive loan + Rich boy + me + Our own personal rooms = Getting ****** and failing miserably. Why did i have to open my mouth, ever since then i have regretted saying that so deeply i can't explain in words. There is a reasonable chance that he will not get in, so, it's not the end of the world yet, but it's pretty god-damn close to it.

Thanks for reading, or even if you just skimmed through it. Any sort of advice on any of the things I have said would be so much greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in but hell why not? Time to go play some RFOnline. Good night.

- Grimey

p.s i just read through that and it makes so little sense in places, and i'm not even high, i just didn't structure it at all :0

03-05-2006, 06:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
Grimey Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: UK Posts: 3	It's hard to think of a title.. Hello people I'm new here for a start, in fact I haven’t used a website like this before. What i'm saying here is truly just a vent, I don't expect to get a replies, but hopefuly some people would who have similar problems to myself. If you were to read the whole deal here, well it would take you a long time, because I really am in a venting/writing mood, and would like to portray my feelings, so just flick through it / skim through it if you can't be bothered with the whole thing. It all started a few years ago, not that long ago, but i can't remember when. I have a very bad memory, especially my short term. I was an early teenager and I discovered weed with one of my best friends at the time, who was from a poor family, his brothers heavily into crime. I smoked my first bong, wooo no big deal there. But this is how it begun. Infact to add a little humour to this vent, I was actually caught by my parents. So that's how it began, so now I’ll fast-forward a year or so because after that I didn't smoke weed again, I just smoked rolling tobacco. In fact I’m going to cut this short, because what I really need help with is something else, I don't think it needs the whole build up, and I’m pretty tired. And it doesn't build up to much so I wouldn't like to disappoint anyone. Anyway. I used to be a really confident person, I made friends so easy, even though I don't like to admit it 4 years a go I was pretty popular. From that point things have gone down hill, like I can't explain why myself. I think i suffer from long-term paranoia and depression as a result of about 4 years of smoking weed everyday, and doing harder drugs weekly - monthly. I'm not sure if it's the weed that's done this to me, or the class B's and A's. I think my brain has been affected in other more serious ways. I feel stupid. I have the worst general knowledge out of all my friends; by such a long way it makes me wander. I'm not dyslexic as far as school result showed when I was younger, so now im starting to think maybe it's the result of drugs. I stopped heavily smoking weed a year ago now, when I started to notice how stupid it was making me, Paranoid, and as a result of this I became heavily depressed. I often like to think I know exactly what is wrong with me, but do i really, or is it just paranoia? I think this whole thought cycle is making me mad, I know i have some serious issues and people are starting to realise. Old friend, male a female notice it. When I do smoke weed I become so seriously paranoid, it's horrible, why I still do it I don't know!! I only smoke it a few times a month but i know it's bad for me, and I still take harder drugs like coke, pills (ecstasy), mdma occasionally. When I do smoke it I often think people are talking about me, and i know this is a pretty common side effect of smoking weed. The annoying thing is i get this sometimes when i'm not stoned, and again this just makes more depressed, because i just sit there and spin-out (a phrase my friends use for when you are high and your not quite sure what is going on). People can tell when you spin-out, and especially with me because I think they are getting used to seeing it. I don't know if there is a medical term for this phrase we use haha, or maybe it's just something I get. When I first smoked weed I used to "whitey" or whatever it's called, not like be sick, i was hardly ever sick. I think it's when you loose a lot of oxygen to the brain, maybe this is what's making me stupid? memory loss etc. Once when I was 16 going on 17, I smoked a few bong and took a lot of poppers directly after and I passed out, I woke up to two of my best friends shaking me tells me to wake up. I felt totaly **** afterwards, and my friends looked very scared, apparently i was shaking, like i was having a fit. Any sane person would of gone home and slept, instead a drank a whole (half sized bottle) bottle of JD whisky and passed out with my leggs in a river and woke up to 2 guys in suits trying to push me in. The thing is my group of friends are -ups. We wern't. Until we met this person, for the sake of this piece of writing I’ll call him rich boy. Rich boy moved into my village, where my group of friends also lived around 4 years ago, this is when things started to get really bad, and the smoking got very excessive. Rich boy is possibly my best friend, even though i hate him. He is the downfall of myself, he is the dark side of me who wants to get ** up, take beans, go to raves and generally don't give a flying about anything. Without this person, i know i would of been ok in life. Rich boy has a millionaire mommy, and step dad, he is also an only child. Selfish, arrogant and almost un human in personality. But we are best friend all the same. Where is this going? maybe somewhere but i'm not to sure. Basically he dropped out of college in his first year, and ever since then he has got high. I'm in my third year of college, and have a place in university next year studying a foundation course in computer game design. Now we all know lots of people get high on drugs, and im not the only person, so i hope I’m not coming across like I'm the only one with problems because i know I’m not. Rich boy once took 37 gurners yes that’s thirty-seven ecstasy pills (mitzi turbos), he collapsed the next day, and went to hospital for a week. The doctors told his parents he almost went into a deep coma. It's events like these which have brought me and my friends close, really close. In the same year Rich boy dropped out of college, another one of my friends did, one from my close-knit circle of friends. One of the cleverest of the lot of us, all because he wanted to get ** with rich boy. Rich boy has no worries in life, he hasn't had a job in two years. One year later, another one of my friends drops out of college. He is now working in a local supermarket full time and has been for a half a year with no further plans. Two months later ANOTHER of my BEST friends drops out of college. All these people are in my close 5 friends group... I'm not blaiming this all on rich boy, but i can't help but think things would be different if he hadn't of moved to the village. Anyway.. I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years, I have barely even kissed many girls in that time, let alone had sex with them. I'm not a virgin, but i'm starting to feel like, if i hadn't of had sex when i was younger, I would and may remain a virgin for the rest of my life. All my focused, organised, confidant friends are in uni, getting laid. I wish i had escaped from this hole of a village like they did. Man they have changed so much since they have left, i would consider them every day people now. I feel I am intelligent like these people who left, i just have 1 motivation point, that's 1 point more than rich boy (that's why im still in college). I believe myself to be a very sensative person, perhaps passionate, and loving all the characteristics someone wants to believe about himself or herself. I'm appalled to find no women see this in me, I think it's down to my paranoia. If only it would go away and I would get my old confidence back. I need a new life! One of the only times I get confident is when i drink alcohol. Ofcourse that is pretty obvious. So now instead of smoking weed, i drink alcohol. I'm not alocholic, but usually when i'm going out places where it involves socialising with girls I have to drink, usually quite heavily. I find coke doesn't make me confident like some people say it does, it makes me feel the opposite, unless i get real drunk first then do a load of coke, then i feel **, but very confident hehe This is starting to get long, I just hope that someone reads it. Hopefully someone has some advice, that would be really nice and appreciated. I'm so.. er.. pissed off with myself, i tend to just sit inside my house these days playing mmorpg computer games, hiding from real life problems. I go out for fag breaks with my mates in the village, but a lot of the time i'm just gaming away. I don't sleep until around 4am most night, 99% of the last year i have gone to bed after 3 am. I feel so knackered in the morning for hoiurs, but it's a lot worse on the days when i get stoned and have to wake up early. I'm starting to think if this is really a good idea to post this, probably it is, probably i will get flamed for some reason, probably one of my friends will read it.. :\ i really hope not. That's the thing, the only reason i'm posting this here is because, well i have no one i trust to share this with. Better people i don't know that people who can spread rumours localy. God i wish i had a girlfriend, one of which i really got a long with and could spend hours talking about our problems. I'm not going to get a girlfriend in this current state. My only hope is starting again fresh in university, this where things get interesting in more ways that one. First a fresh start would do me the world of good, i did camp America in the summer and met a load of new people, that went really well. Even though I know some of them though i was a bit strange, but then Rich boy came all the way down to America in the last two weeks of my 10 weeks holiday. strange, yes. This leads me on to say that.. i made a huge mistake. When i was drunk i told rich boy that there was a chance that he could come to university with me. As the course im going to study is a foundation course, u don't need A levels to get in. I do have 2, nearly three A levels, but i have never done any computing before so i wanted to learn as the course i want to learn in computer game design. Anyway rich boy is into computer games too and well now he is investigating into coming to the same university as me. OMG this has to be the worst case scenario. Massive loan + Rich boy + me + Our own personal rooms = Getting **** and failing miserably. Why did i have to open my mouth, ever since then i have regretted saying that so deeply i can't explain in words. There is a reasonable chance that he will not get in, so, it's not the end of the world yet, but it's pretty god-damn close to it. Thanks for reading, or even if you just skimmed through it. Any sort of advice on any of the things I have said would be so much greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in but hell why not? Time to go play some RFOnline. Good night. - Grimey p.s i just read through that and it makes so little sense in places, and i'm not even high, i just didn't structure it at all :0