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PS... just reread your post - I see you HAVE been doing Alanon.
All I can add is that when things got really bad for me... to the point that I was planning to drive my car into a bridge (had the bridge picked out and was driving around saying goodbye to things)... that was when I called an Alanon friend, and when I really, REALLY started trying to make the program work for me.
Pain made me willing.
I do hope you can find some relief.
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No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless....
BigSis
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