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whathaveidone · 02-28-2006, 09:27 AM

I'm not doing good at all. I'm so embarrassed to even write any of this down!!! But I will. I also have a neighbor that gets them for me. She charges me 12/pill as well for the 10 mg percocets. I have an order in with her. I feel so guilty about it because I had to take money from our savings account. My habit is different. I get as many as I can afford and I don't even have the will power to save them. I'll do them all day long until they are gone. It's just such a RELIEF from the hell I feel all the time that I can't get them into my system fast enough

I am horrible because why am I on this site and reading all the posts from people who have quit when I just cannot do it. I can't. I'm sick. I feel so sad and depressed all the time. Nothing helps me, except these. What am I going to do? I've been to doctors and I told them and have been on every type of antidepressant since I was 18 years old. I'm 35. Nothing took it away except for these. But I can't AFFORD THEM anymore. My life is going to spin out of control if my husband catches me. He knows. But all I do is lie. He's not much better. He takes them as well and says that he only takes one or two a week for his back pain (he's had 4 surgeries). But I am no fool. I get the keys to his truck and sneak out in the middle of the night and take some all the time. Sometimes he notices, sometimes he doesn't. I put up such an act when he accuses me. I feel like I could win an academy award half the time.

So I sit here, struggling, not knowing how to proceed. Cancel the order, and live like this? Or place it and know I have a few days of normal LIFE to live. That is honestly how I think and feel. If I quit, yeah, I'll save money. But for what? To feel entrapped in misery? Don't my kids deserve a mother that is FUN? When I'm off them, It's hell. For all involved. And this sounds so screwed up and wrong as I write it. I'm justifiying abusing drugs because it makes me a better person??? That sounds crazy. But IT DOES. The only times my kids laugh and want to be anywhere near me is after I've had a few percs or vikes. Seriously. It's not a drug induced haze where I think this. It's the truth. I never feel high or drugged. I feel like "Okay. I can get up and clean the house now. OK, I can take you to the store." When I have none, I'm like a bear. "NO, I WILL NOT". It's horrible. I'm so confused.

02-28-2006, 09:27 AM	#5 (permalink)
whathaveidone Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: BOSTON, MA Posts: 6	I'm not doing good at all. I'm so embarrassed to even write any of this down!!! But I will. I also have a neighbor that gets them for me. She charges me 12/pill as well for the 10 mg percocets. I have an order in with her. I feel so guilty about it because I had to take money from our savings account. My habit is different. I get as many as I can afford and I don't even have the will power to save them. I'll do them all day long until they are gone. It's just such a RELIEF from the hell I feel all the time that I can't get them into my system fast enough I am horrible because why am I on this site and reading all the posts from people who have quit when I just cannot do it. I can't. I'm sick. I feel so sad and depressed all the time. Nothing helps me, except these. What am I going to do? I've been to doctors and I told them and have been on every type of antidepressant since I was 18 years old. I'm 35. Nothing took it away except for these. But I can't AFFORD THEM anymore. My life is going to spin out of control if my husband catches me. He knows. But all I do is lie. He's not much better. He takes them as well and says that he only takes one or two a week for his back pain (he's had 4 surgeries). But I am no fool. I get the keys to his truck and sneak out in the middle of the night and take some all the time. Sometimes he notices, sometimes he doesn't. I put up such an act when he accuses me. I feel like I could win an academy award half the time. So I sit here, struggling, not knowing how to proceed. Cancel the order, and live like this? Or place it and know I have a few days of normal LIFE to live. That is honestly how I think and feel. If I quit, yeah, I'll save money. But for what? To feel entrapped in misery? Don't my kids deserve a mother that is FUN? When I'm off them, It's hell. For all involved. And this sounds so screwed up and wrong as I write it. I'm justifiying abusing drugs because it makes me a better person??? That sounds crazy. But IT DOES. The only times my kids laugh and want to be anywhere near me is after I've had a few percs or vikes. Seriously. It's not a drug induced haze where I think this. It's the truth. I never feel high or drugged. I feel like "Okay. I can get up and clean the house now. OK, I can take you to the store." When I have none, I'm like a bear. "NO, I WILL NOT". It's horrible. I'm so confused.