[whathaveidone]

Hi, this is my official cry for help. I've never told anyone this and I'm so happy i've found a site where I can remain anonymous.

I have a mental addiction to percocet. And it's horrible. I cannot function without it. I never seem to go through physical withdrawals. It's all mental. I feel like I cannot do anything. I cry all the time. I can go MONTHS without taking any percs but nothing ever changes. I feel like I've done irreversable damage to myself. Like I tricked my brain into only feeling any sort of pleasure if percs are in my system. If they aren't there, I am numb. I have a husband and 4 kids. I seriously take them for their sake. If I don't take them, I lie on the couch and I am miserable. If I take them, I'm up and happy and doing things with them.

I don't get how I can ever have a normal life if I don't take these things. I've screwed myself up so completely that I cannot bear life feeling so low.

I suffered from severe depression my entire life. Then one day I took one and BAM, the depression was gone. GONE. I've been on antidepressants my entire life and NOTHING made it go away. Nothing.

I feel like dying because I cannot live without these things. Believe me, I've tried. I went almost a while I was pregnant and it was horrible. I just was that miserable nothing self that didn't feel a thing. So after the baby I got some and just instantly I loved the kids, I just loved. I didn't feel HIGH or wasted. I just FELT. What am I going to do? I am screwed.