[tobefree]

ok can i preface this by saying i have read the terms and conditions but am not sure if there are any rules re numbers, foods etc, so PLEASE forgive me and edit it if there are

Hi everyone
I am a 35 year old (too old for this!) from New Zealand
I have four children and have been trapped by eds since I was 18.
Things started when I went to uni and gained about 20lbs. I had always been
slim and into my competitive swimming, so although I never got truly fat
(highest was 140lbs I’m 5’4”) it was big for me and I got a few (not mean)
comments. So I went on a normal healthy diet etc, but then got hooked into a
“wonder if I can lose another pound” mentality.
But I hung around the 112lb mark for several years, despite being trapped by
a lovely combo of anorexia/bulimia/and chewing/spitting food
After I got married in 1995 my weight dipped from an illness, and the demon
pound loser returned, I ended up at 76lbs in 1996 and was confronted at work
about my health. I really wanted to start a family so that was an incentive
to get well. Well I gained weight but the headstuff and habits remained.
We now have four children, and my eds remain. In those years I have largely
stayed around 94-98lbs, but after my mum died in nov 04 (having been
diagnosed with cancer only two months prior, right before my baby was born)
I got hooked again, and am now about 75lbs (this is up about a pound or so from when the following happened..
In early jan I went to hospital with some dull chest heaviness. All
bloods, ecgs, chest xray etc were fine, but it was a big scare and wake up
call
I stopped (well cut down from 12 times a week to 2 times) purging etc, and
made appts with various professionals
on the whold i am doing ok..eating more purging less trying to focus on health etc, getting back to God in my life, trying to be a better wife and mother etc BUT truly...
I am still terrified of gaining weight or being opened up to criticism for weight
gain..i guess the other extreme I am at is a safety net for me
I don’t know why I am trapped by this. I had a happy childhood etc, maybe I
was overly close to my mum so leaving home was hard at uni, marriage, and
her death might be a common thread? i know i really had a terrible day on friday crying and crying missing her so badly
Just hope I can get through this for me and my husb and beloved children! i want to, i just want to be happy to just BE and not care about weight etc!
i look forward to getting to know and supporting you wonderful people
Blessings
xxx