[outonalimb]

warrior...

Oh, do I ever 'get' what you are saying.

My exhusband (exah) is a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. He was an alcoholic when I married him. I knew it. I almost called off the wedding at one point because of it. but I loved him. His good qualities outweighed this problem in my mind. I thought he would settle down. I was NAIVE!

Three years into our marriage, and after we had a beautiful little boy together, he decided to try heroin. What a nightmare. He hid his use for nearly a year. I thought he was depressed. When the money situation spiralled out of control, I started to piece things together. Within the span of a few short weeks, I figured out the problem was heroin. What a dark, scary period in my life.

I struggled to help exah with his addiction for almost 3 years. Divorce wasn't an option. (I get the Catholic thing all too well!). Finally, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I left in Jan of '05. I realized that my exah was going to take me and our son down with him if I didn't leave. Four months later I filed for divorce. The divorce became final in Sept of '05.

Well, wouldn't you know it...about 3 weeks ago, exah came to me and told me that he knew he needed AA. He wanted to try and save our marriage and he was willing to do anything to make his life, and our families life, better. He's been going to meetings for about 3 weeks now...and I've witnessed the single longest stretch of sobriety and clean living that I"ve seen in all the years I've known him. Seems like my prayers have been answered (or at least begun to be answered) right? I guess. For years, this was all I prayed for...and now it seems like it might actually happen...and I'm truly not sure that I want to make things work any longer.

I want my son to have both parents. I want this more than anything in the world. I also know that I dont' trust my exah or respect him like I would hope to trust and respect my spouse. I am in total limbo land right now.

I've gone to a few Alanon meetings. I know they are highly regarded around here...but honestly, they haven't done much for me either. I have worked on my own recovery...in my own way... I know that for the longest time, I felt alot like you did...Why do I have to have to do a fearless moral inventory...why do I have to look for defects in my character? I'm not the one with the addiction. I'm not the one who's sick. I came to realize, however, that I was sick...and I still am although I'm getting better. I can only speak from my experience but my sickness came in the form of putting my exah's needs...and my sons needs...before my own. At every step of this journey, I tried to do the 'right thing' (which meant stay married and be supportive) without really asking myself what it was that I wanted out of life. My needs didn't factor into the equation like they should have. I let a sense of duty, and obligation, and my moral upbrining dictate my actions. I didn't give enough thought to what this insanity was doing to me. I lost my sense of humor...I lost any sense of happiness and joy. I was just getting thru life one day at a time and it stunk.

Recovery doesn't have to be about the 12 steps and Al-anon meetings. The key to recovery for me has been that I make decisions in my life not based upon what exah is or isn't doing, but rather, based on what I can live with and what makes me happy. Instead of letting my life be a series of reactions to his behavior, I'm trying to make decisions in my life based on what I want out of life. I don't want to be the long-suffering wife of an alcoholic or addict anymore. If I decide to stay in this relationship and try to make things work, I want it to be because thats what I want and not what is expected of me. Thats a big change in thinking from where I was a short while ago. And this change in thinking is what recovery means to me. Am I making any sense here?

You're thread really got me thinking...I can really identify with what you are saying.