[best]

I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.



You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.



I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!



I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.



I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"



I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!



You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"



I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?



Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!



Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . Write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?



I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . They were cramming for their finals.



The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

~George Burns



Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.

~Victor Borge



What would men be without women?

Scarce, sir .. Mighty scarce.

~Mark Twain



By all means, marry.

If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

~Socrates



I was married by a judge.

I should have asked for a jury.

~Groucho Marx



My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

~Jimmy Durante



The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

~Jilly Cooper



I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

~ Zsa Gabor



Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

~Alex Levine



Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.

The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

~Mark Twain



Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

~Spike Milligan



What's the use of happiness?

It can't buy you money.

~Henny Youngman



Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.

~Joe Namath



Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

~Herbert Henry Asquith



I don't feel old.

I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.

~Bob Hope



A woman drove me to drink ...

And I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

~W.C. Fields



It takes only one drink to get me drunk.

The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

~George Burns



The cardiologist's diet:

If it tastes good ... Spit it out.

~Unknown



By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

~Billy Crystal