[utopia]

I'm feeling lately that I've become either one of two things. Either I've accepted that love relationships are just another from of addiction that fuels my unmet needs from childhood and that I now am abstaining subconsciously OR that Ive resigned myself to what is and that I don't have the energy to pursue possible relationships.

I feel sometimes that theres noone interesting enough or attractive enough or spiritually and emotionally mature and aware enough to warrant my interest and energy. I dont feel that excitement with anyone anymore that I meet in reality, only people I see on tv or movies, knowing that isnt reality. I don't feel that overwhelming starvation anymore for a relationship but sometimes when I see a couple on the street I get a pang of sadness in my heart and some self-pity, like its raining and grey inside and some part of me has died.

Have I lost faith in love? Am i just depressed? Why do I feel that relationships are just a sham? Now that I don't see my obsessive, romantic and idealistic fantasies as healthy or realisitc I feel heavily discouraged in the game of love and see it as rather dull and pointless.

Could it be that in healthy-land, people don't actively seek relationships? could it be that people don't desire them until they meet interesting people? DO people not heavily fantasise about picnics, dinners and trips, about passionate sex, deep conversations and a riveting union of love and unique understanding between two people that can even create life of its own? Sometimes I feel like a collection of broken records.