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phoenix · 05-09-2003, 10:11 PM

Sometimes I feel adrift in a strange sea.

Wait...I've always felt that way :bojo:

Sometimes I feel adrift in a different strange sea.

First the loss of the man I call my RPL (Riding Partner Love).
I'm 41...boyfriend just doesn't feel right and SO sounds like a Social Services designation.(signifigant other what????)

I know...ya gotta call people something,but the Irish in me won't let words be as casual as they sometimes should be

Then the recent death of my boy's dad.He lived here but we had been separated for many years.He came here after he was diagnosed with lung cancer and for two years I took care of him.

And the distant and remote news that my most long term abusive ex had died.A strange feeling.Relief and grief and confusion.

Part of me cries out,"How can a 41 year old woman have outlived three partners?!?!?"

Part of me just feels shell shocked and numb.

I am supposed to go to a support group for Young Partner Loss through Hospice.In my heart I wonder if they will all be black clad widows with clean cut traditional grief to endure.I fear I will not fit in.I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone.

I can type words...close my eyes...hold my breath and click them into being on the screen.I can clutch my coffee cup tight in both hands,again holding my breath,and read the replies.

But I can't talk to people face to face.
Why is it so hard to speak? So terrifying to face being heard?

I share more here than I do with people I've known for years

I know they care.They ask how I am and I say I am doing fine.We talk of surface feelings a little but nothing more.

Sorry...I know I built the walls.I just wish sometimes that I hadn't built them so well.

phoenix

05-09-2003, 10:11 PM	#6 (permalink)
phoenix Paused Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Dreaming Summer Posts: 803	Sometimes I feel adrift in a strange sea. Wait...I've always felt that way :bojo: Sometimes I feel adrift in a different strange sea. First the loss of the man I call my RPL (Riding Partner Love). I'm 41...boyfriend just doesn't feel right and SO sounds like a Social Services designation.(signifigant other what????) I know...ya gotta call people something,but the Irish in me won't let words be as casual as they sometimes should be Then the recent death of my boy's dad.He lived here but we had been separated for many years.He came here after he was diagnosed with lung cancer and for two years I took care of him. And the distant and remote news that my most long term abusive ex had died.A strange feeling.Relief and grief and confusion. Part of me cries out,"How can a 41 year old woman have outlived three partners?!?!?" Part of me just feels shell shocked and numb. I am supposed to go to a support group for Young Partner Loss through Hospice.In my heart I wonder if they will all be black clad widows with clean cut traditional grief to endure.I fear I will not fit in.I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone. I can type words...close my eyes...hold my breath and click them into being on the screen.I can clutch my coffee cup tight in both hands,again holding my breath,and read the replies. But I can't talk to people face to face. Why is it so hard to speak? So terrifying to face being heard? I share more here than I do with people I've known for years I know they care.They ask how I am and I say I am doing fine.We talk of surface feelings a little but nothing more. Sorry...I know I built the walls.I just wish sometimes that I hadn't built them so well. phoenix