but not love.. not the love that a wife feels for a husband.. more like a mom to a son..
you all may know my problems, i havent been here for awhile. havent even felt like posting, but have been reading and still trying to get help..
my husband has been an off and on addict for 29 years... would get real good for awhile, especially when he was working and felt useful.. he dabbed in it in high school, alcohol, drugs, smoking.. all of it i guess. we married at 16 and 17 and i had my firstborn son at 17 that december.. we had a turbulous first 11 years..
alcoholisism, mental abuse, verbal abuse, rape in the sense because i just said yes because i was too scared to say no when he went out every weekend.. and would submit scared not too. he could not hold his liquor.. and had seen him do damage. real damage. me and my year and 2 year old in the middle of the night would be walking at 2 - 3 am to my moms or my grandmoms.. scared that he would turn the corner any minute to see us... so we ducked in allys until we got to moms.. with out little paper sack of clothes.. we live in a very small town so the walk wasnt too long.. we had 3 kids in all, the first 2 saw the most abuse i guess. and there werent usual beatings, i always dreaded weekends though cause he would always go out with the guys and always come in awfully drunk.. he did pull some stunts like sit there in a chair hitting a baseball bat against his hand like he was going to hit me,, or throw me up against the wall while i was sitting in the chair.. he cheated on me ALL the time with hickies ... his marks i guess to let me know that he had women that was interested in me because by this time there was no sex... we stayed together for 11 years until i finally got out and moved into my moms.. of course the usual started.. the begging , the pleading, it will all get better, he will stop, never do or drink again,, yada yada yada.. i held him off from late 84 until early 87. he charmed his way right back in..
we went to a going away party for his sister cause she was going to hawaii for the army.. i was going home to pick up the kids,, it was on valentines day, and somehow he followed me.. i never knew he knew i left.. well i got a little smart alecy and he all of a sudden hit me with his fist which he had never done. and he couldnt stop for some reason.. i got up and ran into another room and he followed me and started on me again with my 3 small kids yelling at him to stop.. he never heard them.. i dont know how i did it but i was able to get up, get them all, and get outside to my car. by that time someone had called his mom which was still at the party and she came home when it was already over but he immediately went into the houes.. and i told her of course hysterically what had happened.. and instead of helping my kids , i left them with a very caring co worker that i knew would give them hugs and love and i went and stayed at a girlfriends house.. i still cant believe i left them when they needed me most.. but i did.. i didnt know what to do.. i slept there.. and got up the next day and went and got them and did my loving and hugging..... and went home.. well of course i heard from him and he ended up on my door step.. he was sober so i knew he was no threat.. cause he was a doll when he was sober.. and we went through all the apologizing like you see on tv and all that..
well he did stalk me during this time that i forgot to mention, calling me at all times of the night , yelling at me through my windows horrible names, going around the block really fast..
tried all the legal crap but men stick together.. never ended up in jail.. always left just in time. well you are not going to believe this but i let him back in my life in 87. he got a job and i had a good dental asst. job so we got back together...i thought the kids needed their dad.. so in 1987 we all were a "great big happy family"/