i used to feel really ugh when id stay with my mum or my family, a lot of that was deep shame, and embarrasment at them as well though this was all in my subconscious. i didnt believe i was not responsible to protect them, to save them, to make them happier, to make them realise that they dont have to be so miserable or emotionally dead or just have no faith in themselves or their dreams. i was avoiding looking within where i finally did and found resentments and disapointments but mostly shame and frozen grief that they couldnt be healthy and loving enough as i needed and wanted as a child and beyond.
recovery has helped a lot but even today i can not tolerate too much time because their illness, the effects of alcoholism on my family has made for some big dysfunctional pfaff, drama and plain bullshite that counteract all the healthy behaviours im trying to embrace. i go armed with love, patience, recovery literature and the responsibility over me and me alone.