[BlueMoon]

Boz - yeah, i'm recognizing more and more 'triggers' and trying to remove or at least reduce them. Over-tired is a BIG no-no, no matter how much fun i'm having staying up late -
diet? i'm sure it's not good - my goal is only to make sure i eat once a day - it's all i can manage right now

me not being on meds is not an option - i accepted that years + years ago - my brain has an organic disease - i need meds the way a diabetic needs insulin - no biggie -

WHAT IS IT about flourescent lights??!? OMG - i'm *lmao* - another case where "I thought it was just ME!"


So.. I had no other choice than to just sit with it and let it take me.
I busted through some stuff.
felt the pain all the way to the end.
And I'm still here.
I can't run from my own mind anymore.

BW - yes. That's where I am.
and THAT is what scares me.
I thought i'd dealt with the big bad past 20 years ago. Obviously, i didn't finish.
It 'hit' me last week and it keeps hitting me again and again. How very infrequently i'm reacting (or even responding) to the present - i'm still reacting to past events - all my friggin' life i've been reacting to my childhood -

i did not have the hellish childhood that some have had!
that made it easy to overlook for a long time - -
but there was abuse-
there were mixed and warped messages about who i am, who i'm s'posed to be

it's ALL bubbling up again -

i'm kinda relieved, i have learned enough to have some tools, some new + healthier beliefs -

but i don't wanna go there again - i shouldn't have to dammit!

*sighs*

but i CAN and i WILL - the only other way to be rid of it is to take myself out - and then "THEY" win after all

BW - you're right - i can't run from my own mind any more

and i'm finally OK with that - i think - - -


But i don't know how to get thru when the vivid memories *H*I*T* -
i don't know what to tell myself - remind myself -
i don't know when to push myself and when i should leave those damned fluorescent lights before i curl up in the aisle again

i've never dealt with all this crap Clean + Sober!
oh -
that's why it's still here - ?

i AM gonna walk THRU it this time - not gonna run -
but i need more tools - writing this has made me so nauseous, hands shaking, eyes blurred - chest HURTS - mind gets fuzzy so i can't remember what i want to tell someone -
it's all a trick to chase me away so i won't look at the deep dark secrets - i know that now -

i don't know when to push myself and when to be more gentle with me -
i don't know how to help me *get thru* it when the vivids start - i don't know how to keep my eyes OPEN this time -

i am SO tired of this crap - all my life - - - what a waste of me

i keep looking at my sig line - i'm so glad i put it there - i still believe it - i still have faith - only now, i know i need action as well and i don't know what that is -

today is definitely a not-sane day