[Purrdy]

Hi everyone I am new to this site but not new to recovery. I will be 'five' on the 15th February, it seems a lot longer than five years! I have had some glorious times in recovery and some very testing times. At the moment I am being 'tested' or so it seems.
I suffer with Seasonal Affected Disorder. I have only just found this out and there is still such a stigma attached to depression.
Every year at around November I can literally FEEL the life being drawn out of me. The colour drains from my world and I simply cannot cope with the most menial tasks.
My saving grace over the last few years has been my friends in AA and of course my family.
The guilt I have been experiencing as a consequence of this illness is excrutiating. I wish I wasnt me, I wish I could just simply die some days rather than put my family through anymore misery. The thing is they loveme so much and visa versa so we muddle on through.
I am off work at present as there was a very unpleasant scene just before Christmas.
Have you ever been in a situation whereby you are truthfull to the point you swear on your childrens life? and people still wont listen to the truth? they simply deny it and bully you into a corner? Well that is what has happened at work. As a consequence I have stayed off work unable to cope with anything right now.
I just cannot face going back to the gossip and back stabbing atmosphere!! its SO negative.
I have made up my mind not to go back but my husband wants me to stick it out and recieve sick pay. i just want to move on.

The other trouble is that it may affect my future employment as 'people' know other people in large establishments.

I know it must sound so trivial to you all, I have read some really sad experiences on this site but I guess its all relevant.

The tools of AA say dont try to tackle your whole life problem in one day. Dont project into the future, take it easy. Well I have done this and I do feel a slight glimmer of hope in my heart.

i am learning to TRUST.... that is so hard for me as since I was a small child people have abused thier positions and just simply let me down BIG TIME.

Its hard now that I am all grown up to trust anyone!! but this is the crossroads I am at. I have to trust in myself and trust in a higher power or a God, whatever conception that may be. Its hard so hard for me. I am fearful that if I trust in myself I will F**K up again and again.

Well thats me for now. Thanksyou to all who have replied to my threads, I am having difficulty finding my way around the site and working out how to do things but hopefully it will get there in the end. Thanks for listening
Purrdy
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