[BlueMoon]

disjointed - apologies -

i have felt like *this* for SO much of my life - almost as long as I can remember - but in the past 14 years since I sobered up, it's been getting worse and worse

don't know if it's "just" vivid memories or if it's flashbacks - don't really care what it's called -

they cause massive anxiety attacks - to where i am totally powerless to do just about anything - phone calls, going to the store, cleaning, cooking, eating - it's all too overwhelming - it HURTS physically and emotionally - the day afterwards i am so emotionally hung-over that i still cannot function

all those years i never knew WHY - i thought it was all just part of being Bi-polar - maybe some of it is - but i thought it was "just ME", that that is just how "i am" and that it will always be "this way" -

a while back i posted about my daughter-in-law and in writing, things finally started to 'click'

i see my therapist once a week and talked to her about all this - (she's great!)

i THOUGHT i had dealt with all the BS of my past a long time ago - support groups and all that - now, i think i only scratched the surface - i gained some coping tools but i've never *healed*

i talked with my therapist about going back and starting again - this time, i want to figure out how to help the little girl in me *HEAL* -

i'm really scared - i really don't want to do it - but what i've been doing isn't working at all - it feels like if i don't DO this, i will end up killing myself - i just want to stop hurting

can someone tell me - is there a way to stop the awful anxiety? the fear + pain?
yes i'm on meds + see my pdoc in 10 days - but i want to start learning how to help myself control the roller coaster when it starts - i don't want to just have another med added, i want to learn how to get thru this phase WITHOUT more medications - i think this is part of why i drank for so long - -

i'm trying so hard to be semi-positive - WHY after all this time is this all popping up again??? i dunno - maybe my HP thinks i'm more ready than what i feel - maybe, in learning to live sober and in learning to be open with my therapist as well, maybe i have the right tools this time -

but i'm scared to death and i'm sick to my stomach all the time and i don't want to leave my teeny apt - unless it's dark outside - i don't wanna be like this any more and i don't know what to do - seeing therapist on wednesday and pdoc in 10 days isn't enough - i want to know how to make it stop

i try to read the stickies and other stuff but right now it's too far over my head - i'm too little -

it doesn't make any sense that stuff that happened over 40yrs ago still has this much of a hold on me - i don't like it - i'm 47yo i should be able to feel like a friggin' grown up

thanks for reading - i hate long posts - reading them as well as writing them


Blue