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Well i made it through the holidays, this was my second x-mass clean and sober without margaret, i feel her in everything i do, does that sound strange? I want so much to love again that it hurts, it seems like all the woman that i`m interested in are either married or have boyfriends, i feel like i`m the lone ranger out posting fences, i`m a romantic at heart, i love looking at the stars or watching the sun set, sometimes i`ll stop what i`m doing like nothing else matters just to do these things. I find myself walking alone in the parks and trails, i used to take my border collie and of course my dad fell in love with my dog at first sight, if you had seen the joy in his face you`d understand why i just couldn`t let them part. Now he takes the dog to work, he even makes decisions on how people treat the dog and what the dog thinks of them. I guess it`s true that animals have that sixth sense, well i`m just rambling about how wonderfull his life is, what about mine? Or am i being selfish, or worse yet self-seeking and self-centered. Is it wrong to want to love and be loved again? Some days i just want to cry and i do and try and let this stuff out and other days i try and vent like right now, somehow it seems easier to vent here then with someone i know because theres no face to it. Or maybe my friends are tired of hearing it and this is the last house on the block for my feelings, whatever it is i always feel a little better after writting even though i can`t spell worth a $$$$, and my sentences just run together. I know this but i just don`t care what others think of my grammer. Whenever someone points out those kinds of things to me it just shows me how anal they are. Except me for who i am and not who you want me to be right? Ok, so now i`m just rambling about nothing so i guess you`ve guessed what my life seems to feel like, like i`m just rambling through life, i just thank god i havent started talking to myself, that would really be sad. Well i guess this kinda sums up why i`m alone, i guess it would be easier if i let someone into my life then i wouldn`t be hung up on the past, but to find someone who likes me for me and not just the eye candie, or the lust, do you ever feel like all the good ones are gone or taken? So what happens is i get someones left overs, like there passing the buck to me, here take her off my hands, and then i start doing the same or i start coming up with excuses like, my dog needs i bath and i`ve been putting it off because i`ve always had something else more inportant untill now, ok, despite the fact that i don`t even have a dog anymore right. Of course they have shows like sex in the city to inspire woman to look me over like a menue, I wish for once someone would just honestly want to get to know me, or sincerely ask me how i feel, and want to become friends first. Not just strike up a conversation to throw me off with their reall agenda.
chris
p.s. god bless the two sparrows lost in a hurricane, trying to find there way.
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whataday
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