[toforever]

Sometimes,,,

I can't tell if I can see anymore at all,
these shackles loosed - freedom awaits,
but I can't tell you with confidence,
that i'm still not afraid,

seasons they change,
my actions too
for I get so lost in this dream,
dizzy my head, and my compass broken in my heart,

is it gone? the fear, the pain, the shadow?
I wish I could be more angry...

but I know...
it's that I can't say that I didn't bring it all upon myself,
it still makes me sad,
yet this seems a comfort indulged, sad for sadness,

caution is the sign my inner voice is yelling,
so i'll try to resist this joyous urge,
I see green fields and sunshine before me,
I want to run out and scream at the top of my lungs,

don't jump the gun,
I know i'm still a louse,
I can tell, my heart tells me so,
if I wasn't I wouldn't be writing this now,

and I know the Devil is still on back...

I have been fooled so many times before,
I can't take the bait,
but something has changed,
does courage call? I can't mess this up now,

hard to tell whats brave and whats reckless,
what is the right thing to do,
if i could know this I would do,
sometimes I know, I just fail and i'm tired of failure.

I have a need to achieve,
getting confused over this new balance,
questioning if this is sin of pride,
but my understanding of achievement is different now,

its not that I want to believe i'm more than I am true,
its that I need to feel myself actualized...

I need to confirm that i'm together and true,
no matter how low i sit or crawl,
its the place i must be,
it is wherever the place i find myself true,

only then can I move to the outward charity,
its all been charity insidec for out
that since I was struck down,
thank goodness for humiliation,

just had to fix me before I can fix you...

so sorry I am for the toll for becoming real,
so sorry for the toll for not being real,
I have not done well in this life,
I'll do anything to make things right,

understanding come to me has been hard to live,
its a battle that to me had to be,
but the casualties I never imagined,
if I knew maybe I would have stayed,

for the world inverts when you open your eyes...

so much beauty it pulls me, drives me,
so much ugliness to peace together, but,
what is true is what has to be,
my soul i think hates me,

myself neglect for 29 years,
I hid the hurt so deep I hought I was happy,
the subconscious held a scared child,
I was struck down by grace,

saw my dirty image for the first time,
then even that was not real,
when I really realized all the lies
I had really made them real,

then I saw no image at all...

so this is what was, and this is what is now,
atleast I had the chance,
there is hope with breath,
its a chance I couldn't refuse,

now I can never turn back...

even though the path ahead was a dark
a thick forset no certainty of coming out,
I entered and took all I could,
still a fool its all been stripped, taken away,

naked as I am now atleast now,
I have me in disordered peace, and God,
now I can sleep most nights and face my God sincere,
I ran to the bushes like Adam and Eve once before,

I'm crying out now,
voice is coming through,
God can I still receive your mercy?
I could not show myself before to even ask,

now my sorrow true, i'll do what I can do...

I'm little, i'm broken, i'm bruised,
I'm exhausted, forever changed,
did I pull through? or am i too damged now?
what else do I have to proove?

I would like to try to be the human being I was created to be...

Is there anything left of me? Do I have the right?
strange thing is it doesn't much really matter anymore,
the lessons learned have made me realize,
I don't have to measure myself be good be evil,

I just have to be, accept what is,
that makes me happy,
to know i've tried,
I can respect myself,

its opened my heart,
I feel my center,
I feel boundless love,
I'm still filthy but I can tell that this can be cleaned,

I recommit myself again...

I spilll these words for whatever reason it is,
my will is guided by faith in the dark,
what is- is what happens- happens,
so I am vommiting these words so i'm not sick anymore,

so I can move on ...
so I can really be ...
so I can really love ...
so I can really give ...

atleast its not a lie not fake anymore,

no matter what it is, its real,
i'm real, real or not,
so from this point stablized,
God can change me true, now real hope...

i'm holding on leting go,
My goodbye now is really a