[splendra]

I know my H has a past that was full of abuse. Me too ya know....but, I can't let my past abuse keep me from taking resposibility for my life. That is just me not him. He has told me all about his past I agree that it was terrible. I am so sorry that he had the things happen to him when he was so young and defencless. But, I could also see that somehow him telling me about it seemed to give him more reason to continue using crack and others things too that I won't get into here...compassion I cried all night last night for my compassion where did it go...

I used to be a very heavy drinker. At that time in my life I lived alone I did not take another person down into my abyss and I did not want to either. Why can't he just leave me and go do his thing. I know I cannot make him quit and I do feel that I do get somewhat verbally abusive when he comes around me high especially if he has taken off in my car to get dope... I get so angry over that. I love him but, I do not know how to respond to his addiction in a compassionate way. I want to not be angry anymore. I want my son to be able to come over to my house and not see him high on crack. Everytime one of the kids comes around he goes on the worst binge. I feel embarrased and ashamed for him..ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have kicked him out before that was even more awful than living with him....the pitiful phone calls from random numbers me begging him to get help...him crying...me crying....I know his ex-wife is going to come after him because he has not paid his child support in several months...I guess all i really have to do is sit back and wait for that....