Hi Everyone, Haven't posted in a looooong time but I've been lurking!
Anyways, we often hear of the yets, loss of job, divorce or breakup of a family, financial distress, jails, institutions, and death, etc. It never occurred to me that these yets can come WITHOUT a drink! Boy was I wrong...
I got everything but the death part (thank God) in the last 18 months and thought, "What have I been doing wrong? The first 2 years went along so swimmingly and now all this?"
It started with my walking in on my now ex-wife and her swain, fell into a pretty severe depression which led to seeking some help outside of AA (institution), didn't keep up with my financial responsibilites which resulted in my vehicle being repossesed (financial distress), found out my job (which I loved) was going away, my landlord filed bankrupcy and the house which I was renting went into foreclosure, got the divorce, had to move back with the folks, was in a serious car accident with my sponsor (close to death), the job did go away, and I got arrested (jail) while driving on a (unknown to me - apparently ALL of the traffic laws of the State of Illinois apply to me, emissions testing included!
) suspended drivers license.
Why did this all happen to me?? Didn't life know I was sober now and these things weren't supposed to happen?
Well.... some of the things were my own doing (or lack of doing) and some things were more illustrations of my powerlessness over most things. Life was still on life's terms but I didn't like those terms nor was I about to accept them! Yes, defiance was(is) on my 4th step inventory...
It was really, really bad. The hopelessness and loneliness in sobriety was probably as bad as the hopelessness and loneliness that brought me through the doors in the first place.
But despite MY plans, there's this fellowship to which I belong where I met a wonderful group of people, some of whom have become very close friends. Even though I was always there for them, I felt I had to get through all of this on my own. I was going to fix everything and then the world would be right and I would be happy. Yep, I'm still a sick alcoholic! I had forgetten how MY best thinking only led me farther down the path of despair. My prayers changed from, "What would you have me do today?" to "Just get me through all this poop" Only I didn't say poop....
Well, my prayers were answered exactly as I asked, I did not pick up a drink. But it was hell...
That's where those friends came in (and you guys are part of that as well). The phone calls never stopped, this board didn't go away, the meetings didn't fold because I wasn't there and for that I am very grateful.
Even though I made myself feel alone through my self imposed isolation (an alcoholic running away? go figure!), you guys reached out to me still. The phone messages from people letting me know that they still cared, all of your posts here carrying the message I so deperately needed, the random visits from other sober people saying, "Hey Tim we miss you and we're here for you" really did make a difference.
I owe a debt of gratitude to all of you, you guys didn't let me give up and I didn't have to reset the counter and start over.
The 12th step says in part ... and to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers... 12th step work doesn't just mean those late night calls to get someone into rehab or their first meeting, it's also carrying our experience, strength, and hope to those that need it.
I was that alcoholic who was still suffering and I thank God you were all here doing what you were doing.
Tim
P.S. Things actually have worked out well, the divorce was much needed... afterall I marrried another alcoholic while drunk in Las Vegas! Because I stayed sober, I have custody of our son, so he now has the stable loving home he deserves; moving back with the folks has kept a roof over my head while job hunting, I healed up from the auto accident (as did my sponsor) with no lasting effects, cleared the suspension on my license and I'm not dead yet... That's a yet that I no longer I desire!