[shutterbug]

Thanks Bike...

I know it's mostly in my head --- my head is the problem.
But others were noticing and one lady wanted to "talk" to me and make me feel better...which was sweet, but later she told me to smile...and I hate when people tell you to smile when they know you are in a bad mood. I just cringe b/c I'm flashed too many fake smiles already for a lifetime.

I'm seriously craving a ton of self-injury and have already been tearing up my skin since I hit the door out of there.

Mom just walked up and started reading this and I had to ask her not to ...she didn't understand why I said it was personal. I think she may have used the history button to read my stuff because before that she was talking and called me "shutterbug"....I don't like the thought of family reading this....it's all too personal for me to be comfortable with that.

Anyway....we were talking about me quitting the paper and just going to work for the casino nearby and probably making more money that way and not being so stressed out.

I've worked for them many times and it's pretty fun and tips can be good some times, but I don't know. I just know that I don't know if I can keep dealing with ONLY being a reporter and hardly any photos....photos are my solice...my stress relief....my "creative zone" when the wheels in my mind start churning happily. I see photos everyday, but no camera or time to take them with....it just adds to the frustration.

Or maybe I'm just doomed for disability....
I guess only time and continued trials will tell....