[ODAT]

You are right--the decision to leave or to stay is another question yet in a way, the two are inter-connected. I left the father of my first kids because of his using and it didn't turn out how I had expected to. So, before you leave--and if you are planning on leaving I would caution you to be careful about just how much and what you share with your children--but before you make that decision I would urge you to become very aware of what and how the courts in your area handle divorce and such when children are involved.

The reason I say this, is because for here, unless the mother can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the father is unfit--then leaving because of the kids isn't a good enough reason and is one that can potentially and quite often does backfire.

See, you leave because of his using. But, if other than at home once in a while, and if he's managing to keep this whole thing fairly secret from the kids and neighbours etc etc--then when you leave the courts decide what is in the best interest of the children--and usually that means that unless there is proven drug use and proven continuous drug use--they will decide that the father will have regular access to the children. So, where as before you were in the home whilst he was doing his thing in the garage or the basement--now you are NOT in the home, the kids are there without you and he is STILL likely doing his thing in the garage or the basement. Sure, he will say that he's stopped etc etc--but how can you be sure?

And to boot, if YOU say that he's using as part of the divorce thing--then its quite likely that his lawyer will say that you are just saying he's using inorder to paint him in a black light so that you will get custody. Some jurisdictions don't pay alot of attention to women who claim their husbands are this or that when they are going through a divorce. And making the accusation will actually paint you in a bad light because it can be argued that you would be trying to 'turn the children against him'.

Anyways--what to say to them?

I wouldn't be worrying so much about them being too young to hear the drug speach. Most of the public schools these days have kids that are there using or even selling in as low as 3rd grade so in truth, the younger that you can prepare the kids to say "no" the better chance you have. My take on the whole thing would be to just tell them that Daddy is "sick" and to slowly start to educate them. Try praying and then praying some more and as you feel compelled to say things--don't hold back so much.

Just be honest and try to speak from a loving position about their father--remembering that they likely love him and respect him somewhat regardless of what he does. Think about how you would want the kids to be told about you, if you were in his position and then proceed with caution from there.

I can not give you much indication on what to say, or on any larger decisions because each person has to follow their own higher power and figure things out that will work for them--but for me, it was better to say that "Daddy was sick" rather than to say anything else. Looking back on the whole leaving and staying thing--for me, in some ways I wish I had stayed because leaving just means that now every other weekend means that my son has to go there and if I stop that from happening it means that I am in contempt of court. Sure, I could try and petition the court to stop these because of his Dad's habit but untill there is concrete proof or whatever then he still goes there.