Hi all. I appologize in advance as I expect this will be long, but I've got to get it out in a more open forum where I can talk about my experiences and how I really feel without being banned or having my message deleted. I belong to another board that I have used alot in the last few months and they do not allow you to debate methods of getting clean. It is supposed to be a peers uuport site - but even if you just talk about your negative experiences with something that someone else has tried and likes - it's perceived as "debating". I really need a kick in the right direction and someone to listen to how I feel - so I hope you'll bear with me. As I type the tears stream because I am so frustrated and angry - mostly with myself.
In September 2005 I got clean from a relapse. Previously I had almost 11 years clean, but relapsed in August 2004 after an injury required pain medication. I became addicted to opiates and spent a little over a year trying to stop. I tried taper but I couldn't do it - if it was available I took it and found ways and excuses to get more and more. I couldn't ever stick to a taper for more than 2-3 days - some people can do it I guess - maybe I'm weak. Finally in September of this year I took 10 days off work and I just went cold turkey and suffered through the physical misery with over the counter medication, family support and support of my friends in NA. As anyone who has been through this knows - the subusequent anxiety and cravings are far worse than the withdrawl. Atleast they were for me.
I continued to go to meetings, talk to my sponsor, write, work steps, I started therapy, I was reading and using recovery & addiction forums for additional support. At about the 3 week mark the anxiety, depression and cravings began to subside some but I was left with almost debilitating post acute withdrawl symptoms. Laying around waiting for this to pass was just not an option. I felt so depressed, tired, emotional and physically and mentally drained I could barely get myself through the day. I was miserable.
Back in Spetember when I first got clean I was reading about a product called Nutracleanse others were using for withdrawl from opiates and post acute withdrawl symtoms. All reports were positive and I don't remember reading anything negative during this time. The product is marketed as an "all herbal & natural" supplement to aid withdrawl, give energy and curb depression. I ordered a bottle of the product - it is a liquid drop placed into the nose and is purchased from Canada. I first became a little suspicious when I receied the product. It has no ingredient label and the customs declaration is completed as "bath oil sample - herbal" - instead of "health supplement - herbal". I emailed the company and received some explainations that seemed honest enough and I felt more comfortable - so I tried it. Honestly I felt nothing and after using it twice the day it was received I decided I must have been duped or that it didn't work for me and I tossed it in a drawer in my medicine cabinet. The next day I woke up with a sinus infection or a cold and I didn't think any more of using it.
For the next few weeks I struggled onward and the PAWS held on like a vice. I was at the point where I just felt I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like I was going to have an emotional break in spite of doing all I felt I should do to try and get well. Even my therapist and sponsor said I was working hard and to just keep hanging on becaue it would pass. I was doing all the right things...and yet I was never more miserable.
One day in late October I saw the bottle of NutraCleanse there and I thought I would give it another try. This time I tried using a couple extra drops of the product and I did feel a difference very quickly. I felt so much better that day - not 100% but definite improvement. I continued to use it over the next two weeks and I felt nothing but improvement in my mental state, energy level and mood - I didn't crave the product or feel any kind of high or anything that would make me suspicious. That bottle lasted me a little over 2 weeks. I ran out and didn't use anything for over a wwek. I didn't feel as bad as before but I had days where I would feel really horrible and would struggle alot.
I ended up ordering another bottle around Thanksgiving. Everything changed after that. I don't know what the difference was. I even contacted the company and asked but they said there was no difference in the product. I began to use more and more - I began to feel relaxed and have a sense of well-being after using it like I didn't have before. Almost a high feeling - but not quite high - it's very hard to explain. But I began using it more and more often. And now I feel addicted to it.
So here I am feeling like I've had a relapse and I never set out looking for a relapse. I looked at it no differently than taking a vitamin or herb supplement. I even discussed it with a friend of mine who is a PA before starting it and based on the ingredient list claimed she felt it would be okay to try.
I have tried to just stop using it and I feel so awful and tired and stuffy and unmotivated that I can't seem to get through it more than a couple of days. It isn't the same as opiate withdrawl - but it's undoubtedly withdrawl from the product. I feel so very frustrated and disgusted. I also feel frightened - very afraid of what is in this product...can it really be all herbal??? In addition to how I feel - may people on the other board I use feel exactly the same way. And, none of them had a problem before the Thanksgiving holidays so it makes me thing something has changed.
I know there isn't a narcotic in it. I've taken a drug test as have others using it and nothing comes up. I just feel frustrated and angry - like I've relapsed without the intention of doing so and that is really hurtful.
Right now my plan is to dilute the product and taper off of it like you would anything else. I don't know if it will work. If not - I'm off for a week soon and I'll go cold turkey at that time. I guess I just needed to dump this and I could use some support. I have told my sponsor and some other NA friends. I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday and I plan to talk to her then. It's my family I'm scared to tell. I haven't said anything to my husband yet. I expect him to be angry and disappointed and I am afriad of what he will say or do. He has always been supportive before - but here we are with one more thing to overcome. I feel like he's sick of me and my messes...I'm sure he just wants me to get my act together. My husband is a recovering alcoholic with 15 years clean...so thankfully he understands addiction and all it brings..but I'm not sure understanding is enough anymore. Another issue around this is that this stuff is expensive and I've spent quite a bit of money the last few weeks - probably close to $1000.00 over several weeks.
I don't know. I'm just afraid, empty, angry, hurting, disgusted, emotional, scared, tired frustrated and I feel so alone. Thank you for listening and caring. I know this was a long post but I desperately needed to put it all out there and get it off my chest. Even though I've told others - I still feel like I'm carrying around a dirty little secret that I can't seem to cleanse myself of. I haven't forgiven myself yet and I find that very hard to do. I am beating myself up pretty badly...I guess I'm my own worst enemy. I've cried and cried and I feel just like I've lost myself. I just want to be me again...plain old me.
