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toforever · 12-10-2005, 03:58 AM

Thanks Wolfstarr, that does make me feel better about what has come about. Problem is I have to practice what I preach. Life has it, in the way that it does test us, or God calls us to be true. Almost like words come to life to show how little we know, I had the loss of my dearest loved person yesterday. Its awful and horrible but my words come back to me as well as the other words like closure from other blog smog.

Not a death, as in she died so I know this all might seem out of line, but she is lost from my life and she holds part of me with her. The discussion on closure earlier and now later is interesting because I asked her to help me with closure before I came to this site and wrote. I need help stoping the bleeding, because we went from together all ways to complete seperation. I needed and asked her for communication and her presence to heal certain matters. I need to "I guess she doesn't" say/hear real apologies, give/receive real forgiveness, show/know real thanks, give love its justice, and say a true good bye with apreciation for all that was and a damn hug. I'm a bit effeminate like that.

It was in that way I said I needed closure, and stated what I meant by it as in mended and closing useless emotions...not closing like termination. It wasn't about togetherness in the flesh. She can't understand, if she could she would I think, and its like I refuse to believe it. I can't help judging her like a hypocrite because of her affect of Godliness now, while I was so much a part of everything she is. I believe this is wrong of me for this conceit and I can't question her beliefs, especially because she wrote God instructed her. Who am I to say?

I begged her to pray on it and be patient becase I know it is hard for her and I love her, but I was all to weary of a knee jerk reaction because she runs from things. i also asked please don't write me another letter with words that are like nothing on a single page with all things considered. To me this love is/was/is forever and no words could ever really do it justice, especially in a letter which just leaves me with more emotion with a void. Next day got a letter. She said she would give me closure and to never talk, write, or see her again.

I know I was in the wrong for the incident but to me that was just a moment in time and an effect not a cause as she used it. Anyway, I'm just venting now, but this pain has brought me a depression which I have never felt. She said God instructed her to do this, so in strange way I respect it, but in such a bitter way I resent it considering my beliefs and how she came to hers. There's so much cruel irony twisted in all this I feel cursed some how.

But it brought me to another level of understanding atleast, from words given to me from or by the Lord "I believe". Words from the wisdom of Solomon; all things are vain in this world. until detached from the vanities of the world the soul isn't really free to God, and only after can the world be seen with a free soul, from the eyes and with the united spirit of God.

I was like F### that, and where does that leave me? I felt hate for the first time in awhile. I'm trying to let go and free myself from myself but its like a monster eating my heart. I can be thankful in away for this harsh lesson because I know where I must continue to go, but how do you deal with this? Its only been a day, but I am afraid it will destroy me because i'm left with this wall like it all meant nothing to her. Maybe it didn't, I can't know and I don't know how to shut it down this way. I don't know how she can.

It makes no sense to me and the order and laws of things, so it is making my feel like everything I believe is S###. I know pain, I just don't know how to leave this yet keep it, keep it and leave it. I try to lift it but I don't feel any consolation yet. Nothing seems acceptable to me. Anybody?

Wolfstar, one of your poems said something about anger, should I appropriate this pain there for now? Forever? It's completely new to me, this type of wretched pain that cuts with a sword all that has been true to me. Any advice for this specific? I know I heard the advice and gave some of my own before it even happened, so strange yet not shocking. She said you will just have to deal with it, she really must have know idea how cruel that felt when I read it. Even these words will probably bite me in the ass, but I don't know what to do, so as to not let the life in me die while i'm forced to leave behind love that has been a true link in the life and love I have.

I believe I first some how glanced God or things in the way of God before in one moment when I was looking at her all bottled up with lies and faults and suddenly loved her purely without words, sight or thoughts. That is like the only part of my love for her that wasn't some how vain. Its just scary to think that small glimpse as powerful as it was is what I must not lose. Thats all stupid I guess there's more there I think that I can't see. I can't tell if I have taken the first step yet or not or if I even should yet. Bottled emotions show up somewhere right?

Sorry TonyTexas, I know it was your issue and I don't mean to compare as if who you lossed is the same type thing. maybe words to either could help for either of us or someone else though. I'm new to this blog realm, atleast writing.

12-10-2005, 03:58 AM	#7 (permalink)
toforever they took my picture Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Maryland Posts: 122	Thanks Wolfstarr, that does make me feel better about what has come about. Problem is I have to practice what I preach. Life has it, in the way that it does test us, or God calls us to be true. Almost like words come to life to show how little we know, I had the loss of my dearest loved person yesterday. Its awful and horrible but my words come back to me as well as the other words like closure from other blog smog. Not a death, as in she died so I know this all might seem out of line, but she is lost from my life and she holds part of me with her. The discussion on closure earlier and now later is interesting because I asked her to help me with closure before I came to this site and wrote. I need help stoping the bleeding, because we went from together all ways to complete seperation. I needed and asked her for communication and her presence to heal certain matters. I need to "I guess she doesn't" say/hear real apologies, give/receive real forgiveness, show/know real thanks, give love its justice, and say a true good bye with apreciation for all that was and a damn hug. I'm a bit effeminate like that. It was in that way I said I needed closure, and stated what I meant by it as in mended and closing useless emotions...not closing like termination. It wasn't about togetherness in the flesh. She can't understand, if she could she would I think, and its like I refuse to believe it. I can't help judging her like a hypocrite because of her affect of Godliness now, while I was so much a part of everything she is. I believe this is wrong of me for this conceit and I can't question her beliefs, especially because she wrote God instructed her. Who am I to say? I begged her to pray on it and be patient becase I know it is hard for her and I love her, but I was all to weary of a knee jerk reaction because she runs from things. i also asked please don't write me another letter with words that are like nothing on a single page with all things considered. To me this love is/was/is forever and no words could ever really do it justice, especially in a letter which just leaves me with more emotion with a void. Next day got a letter. She said she would give me closure and to never talk, write, or see her again. I know I was in the wrong for the incident but to me that was just a moment in time and an effect not a cause as she used it. Anyway, I'm just venting now, but this pain has brought me a depression which I have never felt. She said God instructed her to do this, so in strange way I respect it, but in such a bitter way I resent it considering my beliefs and how she came to hers. There's so much cruel irony twisted in all this I feel cursed some how. But it brought me to another level of understanding atleast, from words given to me from or by the Lord "I believe". Words from the wisdom of Solomon; all things are vain in this world. until detached from the vanities of the world the soul isn't really free to God, and only after can the world be seen with a free soul, from the eyes and with the united spirit of God. I was like F### that, and where does that leave me? I felt hate for the first time in awhile. I'm trying to let go and free myself from myself but its like a monster eating my heart. I can be thankful in away for this harsh lesson because I know where I must continue to go, but how do you deal with this? Its only been a day, but I am afraid it will destroy me because i'm left with this wall like it all meant nothing to her. Maybe it didn't, I can't know and I don't know how to shut it down this way. I don't know how she can. It makes no sense to me and the order and laws of things, so it is making my feel like everything I believe is S###. I know pain, I just don't know how to leave this yet keep it, keep it and leave it. I try to lift it but I don't feel any consolation yet. Nothing seems acceptable to me. Anybody? Wolfstar, one of your poems said something about anger, should I appropriate this pain there for now? Forever? It's completely new to me, this type of wretched pain that cuts with a sword all that has been true to me. Any advice for this specific? I know I heard the advice and gave some of my own before it even happened, so strange yet not shocking. She said you will just have to deal with it, she really must have know idea how cruel that felt when I read it. Even these words will probably bite me in the ass, but I don't know what to do, so as to not let the life in me die while i'm forced to leave behind love that has been a true link in the life and love I have. I believe I first some how glanced God or things in the way of God before in one moment when I was looking at her all bottled up with lies and faults and suddenly loved her purely without words, sight or thoughts. That is like the only part of my love for her that wasn't some how vain. Its just scary to think that small glimpse as powerful as it was is what I must not lose. Thats all stupid I guess there's more there I think that I can't see. I can't tell if I have taken the first step yet or not or if I even should yet. Bottled emotions show up somewhere right? Sorry TonyTexas, I know it was your issue and I don't mean to compare as if who you lossed is the same type thing. maybe words to either could help for either of us or someone else though. I'm new to this blog realm, atleast writing.