Mrakaronni

Hello friends at SR.

I’m seeking a bit of advice and insight into a problem that I’m sure many have encountered. I will gladly and openly listen to any viewpoints. My wife is an alcoholic and seriously needs help. Not just for her own health, but for her own safety, ability to do her job as a nurse properly and to keep our marriage afloat. She will not listen to input from me or her sisters. She states the drunkards credo: “I am what I am and I like it and I don’t need help”. We have been married for over 22 years, we have no children. How dare I, a retired drunkard myself, try to request that my wife stops drinking also? We have been having relationship problems and I insisted that we attend marriage counseling. At the first session, the counselor told us that we both needed to quit drinking (I knew that was coming). I quit drinking the day before counseling, but now my wife won’t go back to counseling because she claims we’re going to “gang up on her”.

I feel helpless with my marriage. She drives drunk almost daily. I am concerned that her drinking might be effecting the care she gives her patients (she is a RN in an Oncology unit). I love her dearly and hope we can fix our marriage. Because I’m not drinking, she stays away from home and hangs out with her drunkard girlfriends. When she is sober, we have wonderful conversations. She emails me and calls me from work to tell me she loves me and to apologize for her behaviors from the night before, but when she gets home at night, and starts drinking, she is a completely different woman. Once drunk, there is no chance for love, romance, pleasant conversation or physical contact. I have never cheated or swayed. I truly do love her, but so much has left from our relationship. I’m sure that my drinking past has enabled her. I didn’t make her start, but I realize I may be partly responsible. There have never been any situations of violence, hitting, or physical abuse. Sure, there may have been lots of arguing in the past, but now I use techniques and philosophies I learned from Al-Anon. I am more calm, I treat my wife with dignity and respect. Yet, her getting drunk every night is tough for me to witness. Not just because she and her friends drink in front of me, but because after drinking she gets mean and venomous towards me. Recently she has asked to read some of my AA info and started tracking her drinking and even wrote out some goals for herself. But after a week of that, it’s back to the old habits again.

I don’t know if the possibility of divorce will bring her to grips with this problem or not. I realize that if I do use this as a “threat”, I must be prepared to follow through on it. I love her so much, yet I don’t know how long I can, or want to endure this. Let me clearly say that I am no saint myself. I had been a heavy drinker for 26 years. I joined SR in early November of ‘05. I stopped drinking on my own accord. I haven’t had a drop in almost 60 days and I have full intention of sticking with the program for life. I feel so much better and I am too afraid to ever drink again. It’s not easy, but all I have to do is remind myself of how miserable I would become again if I drank and that helps me to control my urges.

My goal and wish is to continue to work on my marriage and rebuild a happy, sober friendship. I am willing to do whatever is within my power to do this. I have been attending Al-Anon meetings and have openly accepted their principals and philosophies. I am willing to accept “what is”, but I do have some questions.

#1) By accepting the fact that my wife is an alcoholic, does that mean I must accept and live under these conditions?

#2) By “accepting”, does that mean I shouldn’t share my concerns with her or ask her to consider change or face ramifications?

#3) At what point does one decide that they must part ways?

#4) I realize that so often it is the alcohol or the disease talking, and I understand that I must be patient, loving, supportive and accepting, but for how long and at what price?

#5) Am I being too inflexible and should I be more patient?

#6) How could I be a better husband?

Any feedback, words of experience or advice would be greatly appreciated. Everyone at SR has been wonderful and helpful. Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom you can pass along to me. Mrakaronni.

Remember; the two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity,,, let’s try to better develop more of the first one.