[shutterbug]

nubnutlin....i know it's easier said than done, but try not to be so discouraged. I think you have known deep down that this has been coming for a while. And most importantly a lot of times, when we are years past these kinds of painful things in our lives -- we see how going through it made us stronger, happier people. I believe things happen for reasons...usually lessons that we haven't learned yet and we always repeat the same things over and over until we learn whatever lesson we're suppose to come to understand.

Support groups are a great idea i think. And speaking of which...i don't know if you've ever had any relationships with an alcoholic or other addict, but even if not I think you could find a lot of comfort in the teachings of Alanon ( a support group from friends and family of alcholics). I truely believe that Alanon is an excellent tool for ANYONE to use to lead happier, more peaceful and wonderful lives. If nothing else....check into picking up some of the daily devotionals that you can find just about everywhere...there are about 3-4 that are most popular and every time the word alcoholism is used or alcoholic is used....can be switched out for just about any relationship problem in life. I even switched the wording to help me in my struggle with my mental illness. When reading, i substitute the word alcholism for bipolar disorder and the daily page is often helpful in regards to putting things into perspective for me. And the number of meetings held in a big city are abondunt and every day so there's always people gathered together to support one another. It's great, IMHO. I think you can find serenity in the program wether you stay married or not.

KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I would most like to press this upon you b/c i've been journaling about my struggles for more than a year now and I can't even begin to describe how much it has enhanced my life. It's not only a way of releasing pain and letting go of tension and anger without anyone else having to be yelled at or what not, but as you said....it helps us figure things out that we wouldn't have figured out otherwise. Often in just talking to myself here...it's the active thinking that often solves so many problems for me (and i've heard others say this too). Throughout much of my life whenever I was in the middle of a difficult and very painful relationship or ending one...i often used paper to vent to. I can in a way "scream" all i want. I actually get angry with the pen and paper and press hard and write fast and in giant letters to make big points as if i was screaming at the top of my lungs. In my experience....it's the same kind of relief I've felt when actually screaming at the person. And after i've gotten all my screaming out....then that calms me down so i can actually have more affective conversations with people too...and it's almost like a trial run in talking about the things that bother you and helps me to figure out what my main points are that i'm trying to make.

I'm kinda rambling on and on about this....i just don't want you to stop writing about things. If you dont' want to write about it all here then go by a $2 notebook and get to scribbling....nobody, but you will ever have to see it if you don't want them too.

Hang in there...