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First off...((((welcome)))) to our little corner of SR. Super glad you're here.

Secondly, sexual promiscuity is an unfortunate, but real, symptom of the bipolar disorder (although since not all or even most affairs are b/c of BP, you can't say that you wife's actions are from her disorder or are coming from somewhere else). Most bipolars become more sexually promiscuous during manic phases (or mixed episodes).

I have to be honest by telling you that i find it odd that you were seperated for 5 years, yet remained married - especially while she was being with other men. Sounds like to me you are hanging on to the "what if's" and the "if only's" that cause so much confusion and mis-guided hope in all of our relationships. But 5 years is a little extreme.

You say that you have been back together for 2 years now "mostly so that I can help out."

This says EVERYTHING to me.....dear your wife is using you - end of story in my book. I've seen this happen many times by both men and women and even myself once. Yes i cared for him, but i knew i didn't really love him anymore, but it was just "easier" to have someone there all the time. She may not even realize that she is using you, but she is. She knows you will stick by her and therefore she doesn't put much stock into her actions that hurt you.

Like you said...you have proof that she's gone outside your marriage, yet she continues to deny it. It's easier for her to deny, because then she doesn't have to explain herself.


You DEFINETLY deserve more from life. Please stop living life by the "if only" philosophy. I've been there and it's such a waste and is never productive. She won't change for you....no matter how much she says she will or will try. Chances are that this is the 101 chance you've already given her...right? What makes you think this one time will end differently than the last 100? It won't...i can't almost guarentee that. Why? Because there are no real adverse consequences to her actions. She hurts you. You call her on it and a fight ensues. She appologizes. You forgive and then you both continue on. Same thing as yelling at a small child when they are mis-behaving....words do very little to elicit any true response or change, but REAL actions in the form of REAL punishment, over time, result in change b/c the child learns that the bad behavior brings misery on themselves. In this case, most of the misery is ending up on you rather than her!

And your daughter most definetly is and has been affected by her mother's actions....please know that b/c she needs to be told that "she" is not the cause of things. (kids always assume that all the "bad" things going on in the family are their faults b/c they don't yet understand the world and outside stresses). My twin nephews just turned 2 and their parents are divorcing. I was curious as to how much the seperation would affect them and have been surprized in the fact that they are showing that they ARE really feeling the affects much more than i would have ever thought possible. I would strongly recommend placing your daughter in counseling 2-4 times a month. Yes....at 7 years old even. Talking things out with a profession doesn't hurt...so why not. I think it can make a BIG difference in her self-esteem and self-worth issues as she continues to grow up. (If you can't afford it there are state-funded programs that will help - often for free). Walking in on the sexual encounter worries me too. A therapist can help her cope with having a bipolar mom and divorced parents.

Don't beat yourself up about checking your wife's phone messages. People who get angry about that stuff, in my opinion, are only people who have things to hide. My sister recently got upset because two days after she kicked her husband out, he found her van at her work and placed a dozen roses inside for her to find at quitting time. You know what.....she could have cared less about the flowers! She was almost livid over the fact that he was in "her" van! (I love my sister, but even i can see she has things she's hiding from her husband, and the rest of us, because i've never given a hoot about my significant others going through any of my things. in fact, if they suspect i'm hiding something, id rather them look and find out i'm not than to continue suspecting. I think that just how a lot of honest people feel and think, but maybe i'm wrong?)

Trust your gut, always. I never had any real proof my ex-fiance was cheating, but i had a lot of gut feelings and superfisial evidence, but i didn't want to believe it so i kept giving him chances. Two years after we had been seperated...he admitted for the first time about all the different girls he'd been with while we were together and trying to work things out.

Since you've already decided to give her one more chance...i would suggest you do it sceptically. Afterall she's the one that has to win back your trust. So just ASSUME that she can't be trusted and will never change....start getting use to the idea of ending things for good with her so that when she inevitably does hurt you again, you will have the strength to show her there are real conscequences to hurting the people you care about. You deserve so much better than all of that.

I've learned this. One time is an accident, twice is possibly pushing it, but three times is a pattern!

I've also learned that 99 percent of the time none of us REALLY change without a TON of hard work on ourselves for long, sustained amounts of time. Look to something you've tried to change about yourself....something you don't like and WANT desperately to fix about yourself...how successful have you been without A LOT of conscience effort involved? Think about that and about....What is she doing to try and make sure she doesn't do it again? What is she doing differently? Is she reading self-help books, seeking counsceling, swearing off friendships with men, calling more often to check in and let you know where she's at and who she's with? What? Change takes work. period.

And she can help herself...she just doesn't want to.
I know a late-stage alcoholic who became a millionaire when he was able to get sober for 2 years, but he went back to the bottle and now lives either with is mom, in his car or off of friends and girlfriends. He says he can't help it either, unless you really talk to him about it and then he told me that he really doesn't want to sober up yet. He's miserable drinking, yet he doesn't feel like doing the work to get sober so he stays drunk and homeless everyday. He'll either die in the next 10 years or he will decide that HE CAN HELP IT and put forth the effort to do it, but only HE can make that choice and he has to make the choice for himself and no one else or he will inevitably fail.

I hope i'm makings sense here. Your post struck a cord b/c emotionally i've been in your spot so many times. And i'm here to tell you please.....please....throw in the towel an begin putting YOUR life together again. OR come to the decision that you are gunna tolerate her going outside the marriage. It's one or the other. There's no in-between. She is who she is and if you want to stay with her then you're just gunna keep having to deal with it.

Please....I want you to learn to love yourself more than that. People who love themselves suffieciently won't put up with the kind of stuff you've been putting up with for so many years. They cut their loses, re-group, pick up the pieces and head off for bigger and better.

Anyway,.....these are all my opinions and i like to be straight-forward with people b/c sweetening or softening things only water them down and make things more confusing.....and i want to really help people not suffer when they don't have to. None-the-less, take what you want and leave the rest.

Hugs and God bless,
Jenna

P.S. Find a friends and family bipolar support group through NAMI might help you too AND the more you learn to cope with bipolar disorder the better b/c chances are that since it's passed through family lines, your daughter MAY struggle with it down the road as she gets older. Not a for sure, but a possiblity that should be watched for in my opinion.