Tahnk you all for responding and for welcoming me. I am trying to find an al-anon group in my area which I can attend. I guess the money thing has been eating away at me on two levels. First, I am a single mom and Christmas is coming and one son's birthday as well. I have been angry knowing that the money I loaned him should be going towards those things, for my children, as well as to my own bills. I am as angry with myself as I am with him. I left him a note letting him know that my electric bill was past due and that whatever he could pay me back would be fine. Nothing. Not a word. But, as I'm sure you all know, it isn't just the money. It is the slap in the face coming from someone who I thought cared for me. It hurts. I guess I thought that if he would make at least an effort to pay me back, I wouldn't feel that he had never cared for me at all and I'd feel less like a fool. I have never seen this side to him. He has always been so sweet and kind hearted, and particularly gentle toward me. I've known him three years and have seen him in crisis after crisis and I've always known he was responsible for all of them, but kept thinking when things got bad enough, he'd face his addiction and get help. He did get help, albeit only because he lost his baby and wanted to comply with the court's mandate that he get into treatment and maintain a home and work. He went to every treatment session, showed me what they had worked on, wrote things down, seemed so dilligent. I believed that he was going to stay clean. I don't know for certain that he is using again, but the signs are all there. The sad, terrible truth is and I am ashamed to admit it, I would be even more hurt if I thought he wasn't using again right now because I wouldn't want to think he could be so hurtful when he's not under the influence.
I feel pathetic thinking that way, or even being so hung up on him. I wish I could just stop thinking about him altogether but that hasn't happened and so now I am trying to get help for myself. I realize I am codependent, that he isn't the first one I've tried to save, and that I have to face my own issues.