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Originally Posted by Ashes
Are we ever Better? I keep going through phases. I am good; I am not good; I am an alcoholic; I am anorexic; I cut myself; I don't care about myself; I need to care enough about life because I have obligations; I have to take care of my animals; I can't hurt my family; my sister is pregnant; I can probably never have a child and I want one but I shouldn't have one; I am scared all the time; I am starting a new job on monday; I should kill myself; I can't kill myself; I have obligations; I am going to die anyway; I can make it so simple; I can starve to death and it will look like an accident; no one will know; I am ashamed of everything I do or don't do; I need to go to work on Monday; I have a new job; I have to stop drinking; I have to be a better person but I don't know how or why; I want to help people but I can't help myself; I hate hurting and I hate hurting other people even more and that's why I sometimes think I should stop living, but I don't want to stop and I want to be better; I want to be normal, whatever that is... I don't know anymore. I just want things to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling so bad about myself. I want to stop worrying, but that means I have to stop caring, and I can't do that and don't want to do that.
I need to shut up. I have been drinking today and my plan is to stop drinking by Sunday. I hate myself and I hate myself for even writing that I hate myself. I want to be the person that I want to be. That doesn't make sense, does it? Is anyone reading this?
~me
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Ashes,
Wow. I remember all that, Ashes. That is exactly the insanity of drinking and "using behavior". I have felt that way sober too. I know exactly how you are feeling. Been there so many times. Do me a favor, Ashes. Call someone, ANYONE to help you, today, now. You acknowledge that you need help - so keep reaching the hand out; someone near you can grab your hand and help you.
Don't give up before the miracle happens, Ashes. It may just be right around the corner - if you give up, you'll never know. Though you may not feel ok right now; you WILL be ok. This too shall pass.
I too, am sending prayers your way, lots of them. I started crying when I read what you wrote - it reminded me so much of where I've been. You don't have to be there anymore...
Please feel free to PM me, I will be away from my computer for a few hours...but will check in periodically.
Lots of blessings and prayers your way, Ashes,
Love,
Jen