[Five]

Originally Posted by Ashes

I am about half-way through the book. I just came here and found this thread, and I don't know how many threads might be related to this, but this was the most recent so it is the one I am responding to.

The first part is sick and sad and amazingly had the reverse effect on me than it should have. It made me want to drink, and I did, and the whole time I am drinking it makes me hate myself, but I think I want and need to hate myself. And I want to drink as much as I want to NOT drink.

My mother gave me the book because she gives me books all the time. After she gave it to me I saw the Oprah show. I never even watch Oprah, and I don't particularly like her because I think she is such a hypocrite. I forgot I even had the book; I hadn't looked through the ones my mother had given me most recently. I don't think she put any emphasis on it. To her I am Healed. I went through rehab and she hasn't seen me drunk and she believes I am better.

Are we ever Better? I keep going through phases. I am good; I am not good; I am an alcoholic; I am anorexic; I cut myself; I don't care about myself; I need to care enough about life because I have obligations; I have to take care of my animals; I can't hurt my family; my sister is pregnant; I can probably never have a child and I want one but I shouldn't have one; I am scared all the time; I am starting a new job on monday; I should kill myself; I can't kill myself; I have obligations; I am going to die anyway; I can make it so simple; I can starve to death and it will look like an accident; no one will know; I am ashamed of everything I do or don't do; I need to go to work on Monday; I have a new job; I have to stop drinking; I have to be a better person but I don't know how or why; I want to help people but I can't help myself; I hate hurting and I hate hurting other people even more and that's why I sometimes think I should stop living, but I don't want to stop and I want to be better; I want to be normal, whatever that is... I don't know anymore. I just want things to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling so bad about myself. I want to stop worrying, but that means I have to stop caring, and I can't do that and don't want to do that.

I need to shut up. I have been drinking today and my plan is to stop drinking by Sunday. I hate myself and I hate myself for even writing that I hate myself. I want to be the person that I want to be. That doesn't make sense, does it? Is anyone reading this?

~me

IF your in the UK and want to talk to an alky who has had a rough as time as you then drop me an email and we could maybe swap numbers londonfields2001@yahoo.co.uk