Thanks so much all for your replies,,
Phinny,
Thanks,, I do have much support, I have Celebrate Recovery, that's a 12 step Christian group, they are great, but I haven't dug deep enough yet into what I need to with them, although I will begin the 4th step very soon, and I know alot will come out of me then.. I am very divided in how I feel about the step. One part of me dreads it, but the other part of me is really afraid of the step, but it doesn't matter, I need to get through it, I want to do it, it is part of the process of me getting better, being a happier person. I do fear crying, I hate to cry in front of anyone, it is just in the "hard" part of me.. I am not a real hard person, but I have held feelings for so long, that I have hardened certain parts of me. I know this will help in softening this hard part.. Which is also something I need,.
But I also have other groups, I attended up until this week, dual diagnosis, that is done
this week, but I believe I am beginning the bipolar support group very soon, my therapist wants me to do that, so I am going to check that out. I really like these groups, even if I have to pay for them.. I may do an anxiety support group too. Yep that might sound like alot to some, but hey, the more for me, the better, at least for now.. So I do have support, it's just living with someone that has a problems with my medication. That makes life so difficult, and frustrating. I am dealing as best I can, I just really needed to get it out. Thanks much
Hey bike,
Ya know I love ya girl..
You always understand SO well...
You really are amazing how you can see so much behind what people write, you have a REAL talent,, you should be a counselor.. Really.. Thanks so much for being there always and taking the time to always post such thoughtful posts.
Yes, you are right in how I feel in everything you wrote..
It was an extremely painful childhood, as well as extremely painful once
I lost my mom.. That is really when my life fell apart. I seemed to hold it together
while she was alive, i mean I did do drugs, and drank ALOT, I did seek love in all the wrong places as well, I am sure that contributed to my teenage pregnancy (think?)
I do believe that was me always seeking love,, from anyone really.
I did alot of bad things that got me into alot of sticky situations, as far as men are concerned when I was young. I learned alot the hard way, all seeking the love that I
wanted so badly, that my dad WOULD NOT provide, and my mom wasn't able to often.
I did not grieve when she died, I held it in, and took care of my 48 year old dad, that I hated all of my life, until then, suddenly, we grew close, I was all he had,, I was his friend, his comforter. I took it all on. I just wanted my dad to love me.. But he was using me,, he used me for comfort,, then he got remarried a few years later, and once again, I was dropped off the earth and treated the same as I was treated when I grew up. No understanding, no love, and extremely judgmental and hard on me.. I was so angry. Angry at losing my mom and losing my dad, and I only had my dad for such a short time,, my mom though really too, but I loved her with every single fiber of my being.. Really. That was a horrendous loss for me. I didn't begin to grieve until after
I got into treatment. I still believe I have so much grieveing to do, for so many things..
I talk about my mom here often, and am always afraid someone will say enough already.. But it is terribly painful for me. I did talk about her in my IOP (intensive outpatient treatment) and I started to cry, (which I do NOT do well in public) and
\the counselor said a bit coldly, she has been dead for how long?? and you still are this upset by it??
Well, that took care of me talking about it there. I couldn't anymore. She toild me I needed more therapy. That is when I started my therapy back up..
Anyway,, I know that no one totally understands that hasn't been through addiction, but, I can't deal with the constant grilling over my meds. I am so tired of it.
Thanks all for listening and replying. I appreciate it much!!
I do love you all..
Becky