[angelgirl]

I am soooooo completely stressed out!!!
Don't know if I can stand all of this crap going on.. I am soooo sick of fighting all of this BS all the time..

I take medication for Bi-polar, depression, and anxiety.
Well, my husband HATES that I take medication, and says that my life is ruled by my meds...

I have been clean from painkillers for over 6 months. This was not easy for me, as many of you know how it is.. I have been through treatment center after treatment center, and detox after detox, over the past I don't know 5 or 6 years, or somthing,, I can't even really think right now....
I finally got it, and have been truly fighting for my life!!

Ok, now some history,,
My mom and dad abused alcohol and street drugs while I was growing up. My dad mostly just smoked pot, but my mom abused harder drugs like LSD and
coke.. But when I was about 13 or so, thye found religion, and my dad stopped doing drugs, and we thought my mom did too, but later I found out from a drug dealer that he was selling drugs to my mom long after my dad quit. Although I believe my mom wanted to stop, she was an addict like me..
My mom also spent alot of time as I was growing up, in the psych ward ( or as she lovingly refered to it, the LOONEY BIN) . She had many, many nervous break downs, and she was medicated with MUCH medication from her psych doctors and she abused those meds, she often "stocked" up on those meds. when she was feeling welll, she just wouldn't take them. Then when she wasn't feeling good, she would double, and even triple her doses, from her stash, and also apparently she was also still buying street drugs from that scummy drug dealer, ( he has since been killed )..

She was an addict. I grew up with this dark cloud over me, missing my mom always so much when she was gone, I loved my mom so much, but I was never going to be like her, never going to take drugs from a doctor, I HATED DOCTORS!!! AFTERALL, in my mind, it was her DOCTORS that caused her problems,, NOT HER.. NOT AN ILLNESS.. Just the DOCTORS!! Well that WAS the way I felt.. Although through my Jr. high years, and High school years, I smoked alot of potl, drank very heavily, and took many illegal drugs,, But to me that was ok, because it was street ddrugs, and not prescribed drugs, from a nut so psych doctor,, Well that was my sick way of thinking.. All of my abuse to drugs and alcohol was ok, because it was illegal... LOL, what a sick way of thinking, huh?? But, that was really honestly what I thought..

Ok, so when I got married, I still had this sick thinking, and my husband who had a wicked mother, I mean wicked, and it didn't take real long before he began to really love my mom, and feel almost that my mom was like his mom..
Everyone loved her, she was so wonderful.. But, my husband also came to hate my moms doctors as well, because he also believed she was on too much medication, and that was really what her biggest problem was. Not that she had an addiction, none of us really knew anything about that, we didn't, we were naieve,, But ya know my mom had even been in treatment when I was young, but still, we just believed even that was her doctors fault. They gave her the meds.. EVERYONE blamed her doctors.


My mom died when she was 46 years old. Due to cancer that was spread through out her body, it was misdiagnosed, they told her for a year, that she had acid reflux, nothing more. That is a whole other story, but we really believe part of the reason they did not take her illness serious, was because of her mental health problems, they felt alot of her symptoms hwere in her head. Really, there was NO reason fior her doctor to miss cancer that was spreading throughout her whole stomach bowels, everywhere excpt that tghey didn't check well enough, they didn't need to they thought, the symptoms were in her head!!

ok, that all really is another story, but I needed to explain why my husband feels like he does,,

Now my problems,, Now I have been clean, and I finally understand that my mom had an addiction problem, and it wasn't ONLY her doctors faults, although some of it was.
My HUSBAND still does NOT get it.. He is harassing the crap outta me now, because I take meds. He wants me off ALL of my medications. I do not feel like I can go off my medications. I have been through alot. I have these mental health problems, and I DO NOT abuse any of my medications for my anxiety, depression, or Bi-polar.. As a matter of fact, even though I do understand that my mom was an addict,, and it wasnt ALL her doctors fault, I still have a hard time every once in a while to, I am afraid of meds that a doctor prescribes, and I often argue about whether I need them or not, and if I can take the smallest dose possible,. But I can't just stop taking the meds. I may relapse, or my life may be he@@ without them, since I am taking them for a REAL reason..

My husband and I had a big fight about it.. I am so tire dof fighting all of this. I have enough other problems, (money, kids, in-laws, etc) that I don't need thsi!!! I swear, I am going to go off the deep end here if he doesn't leave me alone!!

Thanks so much for listening, I needed to get this out,, I really, really did!!
I had an appointment with my therapist today, and I was going to talk to her about this, but she was sick, and it got cancelled.. I needed to get this off my chest.
I love you all!!
Becky