| YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = U1 /><U1:CITY><U1:PLACE><U1:CITY u2:st="on"><U1:CITY u3:st="on"><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Enfield</U1:CITY></U1:CITY></U1:PLACE></U1:CITY></st1:place></st1:City> (<U1:PLACE u4:st="on"><U1:CITY u4:st="on"></U1:CITY></U1:PLACE><U1:CITY><U1:PLACE><U1:PLACE u3:st="on"><U1:CITY u3:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">London</U1:CITY></U1:PLACE></U1:PLACE></U1:CITY></st1:place></st1:City>) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces <U1:PLACE u4:st="on"></U1:PLACE><U1:PLACE><U1:PLACE u5:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Battery</U1:PLACE></U1:PLACE></st1:place> Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!] <FON T color="black" size="2">
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
<U1:PLACE u4:st="on"><U1:PLACENAME u4:st="on"><U1:PLACE u5:st="on"><U1:PLACENAME u5:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:PlaceName w:st="on"><U1:PLACE><U1:PLACENAME>Local</U1:PLACENAME></U1:PLACE></U1:PLACENAME></U1:PLACE></U1:PLACENAME></st1:PlaceName></U1:PLACE> <U1:PLACETYPE><U1:PLACETYPE u4:st="on"><U1:PLACETYPE u6:st="on"><st1:PlaceType w:st="on">High School</U1:PLACETYPE></U1:PLACETYPE></U1:PLACETYPE></st1:PlaceType></st1:place> Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is.... <SPA style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" N>
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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