[maximussativa]

being diagnosed with bipolar its hard to figure out how bad my drug addiction. Depression is nothing new to me, drug addiction is. i know the feeling of depression, but now the drugs just override me with numbness. i can't feel the pain i used to, i almost need to feel it to make me realize how much i really need to start taking action with my life. i have no many suppressed feelings and emotions and memories that i've pushed down and chosen to ignore. its only built up to make my head into a huge ball of confusion. i can't seem to put a grasp on reality that every day that goes by with me being a victim or my drug addcition and depression is just one day less i have to live or better myself. change has always been a hard thing for me, i cant seem to see a positive out look on life without the use or drugs in it. depression has totally taken over my thought process, only using drugs to run away from my life. scared of commitment, scared of failure, im stuck in a ditch and can't out. i feel like my whole life is just on pause, i cant seem to push forward, i've made my situtaion bad enough to the point where people are fed up with trying to help me. relationships between previous friends just seem to become more distant unless they are a friend to get high with. i want to change i just can't even think of it because i get so ******* overwhlemed with it all. i've known nothing but failure, and the one thing i know i can be good at is getting as high as possible every day. i never thought i would see myself in theposition im in now, but i just don't know how to start or what to do anymore, life is just spinning around in circles