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Originally Posted by Don W

I think this is a subject that has ruled my life and actions for years. I relate it to me having thin skin. The smallest and meaningless statement can bring me to my emotional knees. I can also trace this to childhood.

Meeee Toooo Don!!

Originally Posted by Don W

The smallest mistake or error in judgement would trigger not only a beating but, removal of anything I liked. I swear I was allowed to join things so, he would have something to take away.

Don...i'd sure like to whoop your dad upside his head and then shave a mohawk on him!!!!!! What a creep

Originally Posted by Don W

After 2 years, the draft was still here, I had to go into the Navy. I remember him being upset because I was able totake and pass my GED without study or refreshing. He told me, " They must have felt sorry for you, and passed you."

I'm glad you "had" to go into the Navy, because it seems like that couldn't have been worse than being around him? right?

And he was just jealous of you passing your GED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He had to put a teenager down to feel good about himself....that's how pathetic HE was. That's him...NOT you!!!!!

Sorry if i'm a little over-the-top about speaking about your dad this way, but parents who say things like that just get my gander up!

Originally Posted by Don W

Anyway, I wouldn't dare be me or have an opinion that was opposite of anyone.

Don...you can be you NOW!! You can have your own opinions HERE!! That's what i love about this little corner of SR that we have here....because it IS a place where each of us are free to be ourselves!!!!!!!! And it's so awsome to realize that not only are you in a safe environment, but that you will realize that it TRULY is OK to be Y-O-U!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by Don W

Even now, if I post things about me feelings, at times I go back expecting you all to hate me.

As long as things come from your heart....none of us will EVER hate you. Even as thin-skinned as I am....I honestly don't think you could EVER say anything to make me even dislike you...letalone hate you. Besides...I don't even hate my former editor and he's my worst enemy!!!!! Get it? Got it? GOOD!!

And I know what ya mean about the Red Sox's/Yankee's thing. Because, well I don't like sports, but if I did and if i was a Red Sox's fan and the girl next to me was a Yankee's fan then i'd probably listen to her reasonings, which would probably be pretty good reasons to be a Yankee's fan and i'd end up converting over or being totally confused between the two....LOL

I call it having an open mind....but really I think it's a weak sense of self, co-dependency and a bunch of other things that make me put more stock into other people's opinions than i do my own. I'm getting better as i'm learning how to be myself and figuring out what that means. As crazy or neuratic as I am....it's okay to be me....just like it's more than ok to be you!

(see....i'm even still beating myself up about last week's fiasco because i came out looking like a childish, over-emotional, husband-stealing, stupid witch! And everytime i post something, all of that's sitting in the back of my mind....that people here will/do say, "I saw the mess SHE created and how much co-dependency work she obviously still needs to do....and how immature and drama-queen like she acted....so why should i listen or even read a word she says?!?)

By the way....have you had a chance to see Fever Pitch yet?

Oh...and PLEASE keep mentioning AA to people!!!!!!!!! Because if someone is chiming in and saying that AA stinks and his program is better.....then we all know that person is in denial b/c AA is the most successful alcohol recovery program that even the best money could ever buy!

But even if, by some slim chance, a new addiction recovery program was invented.....AA is what works for you and nobody has to agree with that because it's not them that matters. And same for that person...if they've found some new program that works for them then that's all that matters....that person won't dislike you just because you found help in a different place than he did...right?

I know you "know" that....you just don't "feel" that. But I think that will come with time....the more you open up and let yourself be yourself...then it won't feel so awkward to politely disagree with someone.

This last year i was even able to stand up to my bosses boss! He said the paper had basically bent over backwards for me when i returned....i said "No you didn't, you have done no more than what is required by law." He still continued to argue with me and I knew that was one issue that I stood VERY firm on (because they didn't even do everything that I was guarenteed by law)....so I simply said...

"Well, we're just gunna have to agree to disagree!"

His mouth fell open....but he stopped arguing with me....LOL

Originally Posted by Don W

Right now there is something bad happening in my family that relates to many things we've talked about. I feel bad sometimes for being in treatment,but, there are other kids in the family that didn't seek treatment.

Don....why do you feel bad for being in treatment? You should be proud of yourself for trying to re-write all the wrongs you were brought up on! Like you said....that other kids in the family didn't seek treatment. Everyone has a choice....they decided not to want to overcome their demons....and that was unfortunately their choice to make. You made the choice to get healthy and continue to do so....that's your choice...and a very honorable and admirable choice!

Originally Posted by Don W

Hard to belive but, as bad as my father was and as much as we hated him. To different degrees in our lives we bacame him.

Not hard to believe at all! Most kids pick up all the unhealthy things their parents hand out. We all do. No matter how hard we try not to or say we will NEVER be like them....we always are in some degree or another. But see....that's what makes you being in treatment so honorable....because by getting help for yourself...you are stopping those things with you instead of passing them on to future generations! That's one of my main reasons for recovery in my co-dependency especially....because if I over-come my major codependency issues...then when i hopefully have kids some day, then those unhealthy ways of thinking will not be passed onto them. Make sense?

Where as all your siblings who haven't/arn't seeking help and are acting just like your father....then their children will grow up to do exactly the same. It's a vicious cycle until someone brave enough like you steps up to the plate and takes on the responsiblity for his/her own actions and future and decides to get healthy.

Obviously, your brother is still harboring pains from his childhood....and will continue to until he tries to seek out healthy ways of coping/healing. Therapy would obviously be ideal....but i get the impression that he's not the kind to be willing to see a "shrink"....probably out of pride and also because if he started seeing a head doc, then that would be like him having to admit that he really is a "mental case". Probably the only way he could ever come to terms with going to a therapist would be if he knew a man personally who he admired and then later found out that he too goes to see a therapist to heal childhood abuse issues.

But of course....i'm just speculating about all this....so please forgive me if i'm all wrong.

Originally Posted by Don W

I'll stop now, I don't want to hijack shutterbugs post with my problems

Please don't EVER worry about hijacking any of my threads......hijack away....that's what they are all here for....healing....yours, mine, everyones...OK?

I will always to be thrilled any time you feel comfortable enough to write anything in one of my threads! Write me a novel my friend!

Originally Posted by Don W

My mother is 91 and very ill and I'm not prepaired to lose her. I thank God, that she has me sober to be with her. My sobriety date is her birthday. I'm sorry, I can't stop. my heart and mind is full of so much hope,pain,fear and sadness I feel I could burst. This is how I felt as a boy, and she couldn't protect me. Now, is my chance to protect her from those that still live as my father. I talked to her and she is blind, can't walk and afraid that my brother will harm her. I've got to stop. I promise to check in later, I have to because I need you all to help me through this. .

Don....this part makes me cry for you. I can tell that you are trying to prepare yourself and that's the best thing you can do for yourself right now. What a hard thing...i can only imagine. Just know that we are here for you. And continue writing b/c writing about our hurts and pains and fears....gives them less power somehow. It's almost as if....making a written record of it all frees our minds from having to hold onto it all so tightly. We can let go of things because if there should ever be a need or want to go back to them....we only need to read our own words. Writing is especially beneficial for heartaches.

Above all.....just remember....you are not alone!

GIANT HUGS!
Jenna