[Don W]

Amy, I read in awe your post not opening wounds but, identifing in order to treat and heal them. I know I can identify with your pain and the attempt for years to forget, self medicate or sometimes, just give in and accept the person others made. Not knowing who or what we are or stand for is a learned life long lesson. I've been sober about 3 years now. Although I've had longer and shorter lenghts of sobriety, this is the first that was coupled with my PTSD and emotional. So many years myself and others sort of Poo Poo'd the effect that abuse, sexual abuse and incest had on people's life. Sometimes to the exsent that we feel that we were the abuser or deserved the abuse. All one has to do is read the paper and discover that defense lawyers, know and understand this. In fact they base their defense on it. Here in Boston there is an ongoing abuse case involving a large institution. When victums of the abuse have come forward they've been attacked. Many are older and the abuse took place while they were young. Many have testified and spoke how because they didn't speak up, they were to blame. Not just regular people but, people in very high positions. Some of us were even brought up that to force ourselves on another was OK. Very few John Wayne movies don't have him carrying a kicking and screaming woman up the stairs to the bedroom. I agree that without getting graphic we can talk and get things out. If some feels the need to post and talk about something specific, they could consider leading with a trigger warning. I am like you in the fact I never know what my mind is going to release or when. Right now I'm tired and need to hit the sack. I'm taking an early train and spend the day with my mother. When I talked earlier she responded in that famous "Wallace" I'm fine response. However, when I mentioned being their in morning the joy in her voice surprised me. My sister mentioned how happy she was I was coming. My mother was teased many years about her gift og gab. I left her speechless with an" I love you, see you tommoro" ending. Could I possibly teach my mother that it's OK to hug and voice our love for each other? She even mentioned me protecting her. Something I could never do as a child when my father beat her. There is so much coming out the last few days. I was always upset as I said because she didn't protect us from my father. The last few days I'm remembering things, differently than how I remembered before. I now remember that sometimes when my father would be ready to beat us, she'd do something to switch his anger to her. A feeling of her taking a beating for us is emerging. I now think I remember my older sister telling me once when I was about 9.
This is what I mentioned before that happens to me somtimes. The events are the same and I can't change them. However, sometimes my mind doesn't remember them the way it happend or outright removed the event. Sometimes I have flashbacks and it isn't until months even years later I can put them in place. I feel that I'm like a giant puzzle. for years people took pieces of me and replaced them with pieces of another puzzle. They never really fit but, for years I'd make them fit. A little bend here a little twist there. I always felt and feel they are a part of me and must be me. Today, I'm learning that these pieces are in fact not to this puzzle. I can discard them, and even though I might have a hole in their place, the correct pieces are there to be found. I no longer need to try and be whole with a piece that doesn't fit. The pieces have been in me since I was a little boy. My wife mentioned one time, after hearing some of the stories, that we kids brought ourselves up. I now believe her as being correct. Being a young child with a young child's mind, I used these false examples to assemble Don. Could it be possible that I, and some of you, as adults in fact sort of have to bring ourself up as adults?