[Don W]

Thanks shutterbug, I think this is a subject that has ruled my life and actions for years. I relate it to me having thin skin. The smallest and meaningless statement can bring me to my emotional knees. I can also trace this to childhood. The smallest mistake or error in judgement would trigger not only a beating but, removal of anything I liked. I swear I was allowed to join things so, he would have something to take away. Little league, boy scouts anything I'd get good at. When he found out II started to like school he took me out. In the 10th grade he decided and made it clear that I was to stupid to be in school and just wasting the teachers time. He took me out and made me work in the family business. After 2 years, the draft was still here, I had to go into the Navy. I remember him being upset because I was able totake and pass my GED without study or refreshing. He told me, " They must have felt sorry for you, and passed you." Anyway, I wouldn't dare be me or have an opinion that was opposite of anyone. Even now, if I post things about me feelings, at times I go back expecting you all to hate me. Example, I'd be in a bar. Sitting next to me I let someone know I was a Red Sox fan. He' set me back and say he was a Yankee Fan. Right away I'd feel that I offened him. I'd start, even though I hated the Yankees, well they aren't that bad. You know some of the players I like. By the end of the night I was a full fledged Yankee fan to keep him from not liking me. Then later on way home I'd berate myself for not having nerve to speak my mind. Even on some of the boards here. If I mention about AA helping me, and someone chimes in the AA sticks and his program is better, I used to get devistated. Like I did something wrong. "Why did I mention I liked AA?" Now, this person dosen't like me. What if others agree with him? This is why we have to be very careful about degrading anothers recovery choice. Anyways, shutterbug and everyone else. I have to thank you for comming up with such great food for thought. I'd also like to say how proud and thankful for you all being so open about what bothers you. So many things inside me would have remained iside me without your candor. Right now there is something bad happening in my family that relates to many things we've talked about. I feel bad sometimes for being in treatment,but, there are other kids in the family that didn't seek treatment. Hard to belive but, as bad as my father was and as much as we hated him. To different degrees in our lives we bacame him. I have a brother that was treated horrible by him. Due to a head injury he had some mental issues. My father called him and forced us to call him names. For years I hated myself for allowing my father to make me call him, " Mental Case" etc. I even told him I was sorry. He said don't worry, he forgot about that years ago and it no longer bothers him. Well, he didn't and isn't over it. My mother is in hospital and he is causing alot of problems. I feel like myself, he was ,is? angry at my mother for not taking steps to protect us. I understand now that she had no power in those days. He is not at that point. I'll stop now, I don't want to hijack shutterbugs post with my problems. I'm going to post later on a different thread. My mother is 91 and very ill and I'm not prepaired to lose her. I thank God, that she has me sober to be with her. My sobriety date is her birthday. I'm sorry, I can't stop. my heart and mind is full of so much hope,pain,fear and sadness I feel I could burst. This is how I felt as a boy, and she couldn't protect me. Now, is my chance to protect her from those that still live as my father. I talked to her and she is blind, can't walk and afraid that my brother will harm her. I've got to stop. I promise to check in later, I have to because I need you all to help me through this. Sorry shutterbug for running off here.