SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

amymarie · 10-16-2005, 02:44 PM

As some of you know, I had posted on here about being an incest survivor and the effect it has (and is) having on my mind, body and soul...
Due to circumstances beyond my control, my post has been erased- and I feel it is for the good of Amy that it happened this way. I would like very much to start a thread here about incest and abuse in all of its forms. I would like very much to have a place to vent and be heard - for all of us who suffer and all of us who have overcome... however, for my protection, and I am sure many of your's as well, I would like to keep this simple...not too graphic, for I have learned recently that I am easily triggered...I would hate for anyone else to be.

I am Amy and I am an incest survivor. My father and my brother both taught me at a very young age that sex and love are one in the same. They also taught me that love is very painful and secretive and dirty...
My father was also very physically and emotionally abusive. He liked to tell me how bad I was and how ugly I was and how unfit for this world that I was...and guess what? I believed him...still do. It has taken its toll on me. I am an alcoholic addict who finds no solice in this world. I am quick to judge others so I dont have to look at my own faults. I am hurting and I am tired.

I am in the hold of flashbacks right now. I cant seem to make the memories stop. They come when they want and they stay as long as they see fit. I have tried to drink them away, but that only fueled their fire. I have tried to drug them away, but that only made the pain worse the next day.... I would like to know I am not alone.

I feel scared 90% of the time. I feel clingy to anyone I get my hands on... I feel like a child learning to swim in the ocean without a life jacket...

I want to know how to direct my anger at who it is intended...instead of those who only happen to be passing thru my abyss...
I want to know what real love feels like and know how to accept it when offered...
I want to smile for me, not you.
I am trying to push through this. I would like some help and some feedback.
I hope there is someone out there (other than me) that this thread can help.
Thanks Don for alllll of you support and kind words...You Rock...
amymarie

10-16-2005, 02:44 PM	#1 (permalink)
amymarie No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston Posts: 788	Today's Journey As some of you know, I had posted on here about being an incest survivor and the effect it has (and is) having on my mind, body and soul... Due to circumstances beyond my control, my post has been erased- and I feel it is for the good of Amy that it happened this way. I would like very much to start a thread here about incest and abuse in all of its forms. I would like very much to have a place to vent and be heard - for all of us who suffer and all of us who have overcome... however, for my protection, and I am sure many of your's as well, I would like to keep this simple...not too graphic, for I have learned recently that I am easily triggered...I would hate for anyone else to be. I am Amy and I am an incest survivor. My father and my brother both taught me at a very young age that sex and love are one in the same. They also taught me that love is very painful and secretive and dirty... My father was also very physically and emotionally abusive. He liked to tell me how bad I was and how ugly I was and how unfit for this world that I was...and guess what? I believed him...still do. It has taken its toll on me. I am an alcoholic addict who finds no solice in this world. I am quick to judge others so I dont have to look at my own faults. I am hurting and I am tired. I am in the hold of flashbacks right now. I cant seem to make the memories stop. They come when they want and they stay as long as they see fit. I have tried to drink them away, but that only fueled their fire. I have tried to drug them away, but that only made the pain worse the next day.... I would like to know I am not alone. I feel scared 90% of the time. I feel clingy to anyone I get my hands on... I feel like a child learning to swim in the ocean without a life jacket... I want to know how to direct my anger at who it is intended...instead of those who only happen to be passing thru my abyss... I want to know what real love feels like and know how to accept it when offered... I want to smile for me, not you. I am trying to push through this. I would like some help and some feedback. I hope there is someone out there (other than me) that this thread can help. Thanks Don for alllll of you support and kind words...You Rock... amymarie __________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes...