[shutterbug]

Okay...so what's going on right now?

Well i nearly put myself into the hospital last week for the 3rd time since this all began. Although, i had been able to pick up my new meds that Thursday and decided that's all a 4 day hospital stay would accomplish was a med change and to keep me from hurting myself. So since i already had new meds in my hands...i decided to stay with my sister and nephews for safety. However the hospital stay is still an option if i get that bad again or worse.

So...I was taken off of Lamictal. My Welbutrin dosage was bumped from 150 mg to 300. I was put on 900 mg Lithium and my doc told me to stop the Cymbalta, but after 4 days the electrical shocks going through my body from withdraw symptoms i was continually getting worse so I went and got my Cymbalta and started on it again. Doctor said take it for a few days and then only every other day....so tomorrow i won't take it and we'll see what happens. Well i know what will happen, but oh well....

Anyway....i hate my doctor, but am stuck with her incompetence right now. My therapist isn't so great either, but she tries.

I am on a mission to get a NAMI support group or two started up in my town, but communication is not flowing very freely between myself and NAMI right now....so i need to e-mail them again.

My finances are a mess....i had been feeling better and had taken back my checkbook and check card from my mom and was doing fine....then i overdrew my account again and i've even lost my checkcard somewhere (but i haven't told her that part yet).

I haven't talked to my dad in about 4 or 5 months and he wants to have a scheduled "chat" before he goes back to Colorado for a while. I'm working on writing him a letter that's been coming for about 5 years or more now.

I only have 5 more weeks left to claim unemployment benefits and then i haven't a clue of what i'm gunna do --- probably just go to work doing some low stress job where i can make enough to pay bills...don't know. If my sister and her husband end up getting the divorce they've been talking about then i will probably move in with my sister and help her with the twins. It's been nice being here this week and getting to spend so much time with them even though i've felt so sick. I even managed to make a meatloaf dinner the other night for everyone. My sister says she likes me being here b/c i help with the boys and b/c she's not all alone all the time. It's been helpful for me not to isolate myself although i've retreated back here to this computer quite a bit, but mostly after everyone else goes to bed.

i spent about 3-4 hours online the other night looking through a bunch of journalism job boards and i came up with about 15 openings that i want to apply for across the country. One in particular that is a freelance writing job for a magazine where i could write 8 stories a month and make the same as i did working full time for the newspaper! (where i would have to write 8 stories a week plus as many or more photo assignments). So if that one pans out i will be REALLY happy since i can do it all on my own time.

Up until now i hadn't been even looking at writing/reporting jobs on the job banks because photojournalism is what i really want to do - that's where my passion obviously lies. But in doing this new search i even found some cool job openings where i would be doing both again. One being a job for Stars and Stripes and working in England! I've been to England once and loved it so this job would be super great for me.

See, but then there's the whole illness issue....that gets me bummed. Say for example that i was to get the England job or even a great photog position at a large U.S. paper? IF i could figure out how to finance a move to what ever place would hire me....THEN what happens when in week 1 or 2...when i wake up feeling like i did today and dont' have the energy to get out of bed for more than a couple of hours at a time? I guess that's why i LOOK at the photojournalism job board, but i don't apply for any of them.....i'm just too sick to make a move right now....and especially too sick to start a new full time job. Which makes me sadder than my words could possibly express.

Since I turned 16 and immedietly started working.....i've NEVER been this long without working. I worked the entire time that i put myself through college even. Yeah....i think i was out of work for about 4 months during my first major dep. And then out for about 3 months after i graduated and moved and was able to get my career job. But this....with the 3 months medical leave i took and being fired in April.....I've only worked 3 months this year! And all the other times before when i wasn't working for a few months...i went stir crazy after month 1 or 2. Right now....i could care less if i ever HAVE to work again....which makes me feel lazy.

My mind has felt very overwhelmed this past couple of weeks....like it's spinning and it's hard to make it stop long enough for me to catch onto a thought. It feels like total caos.

And besides my hair falling out, my skin really badly broken out and my teeth deteriating....i don't know what i have to be so stressed about that would cause all that. Well i dont' know if the stress is having any affect on my teeth, but i think it might some how?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE STRESSED ABOUT???
I dont' have kids
i dont' have a husband
My mom and step-father let me live rent free in one of their rent houses
I have money coming in every week to pay my bills (for now anyway)
I have a car
I have my mom, sister and nephews who love me
Mom and my step-dad even mow my lawn for me!

All that and yet i'm more stressed than i think i've ever been before! Doesn't make sense to me.

Something i need to get moving on though is moving forward with getting a job discrimination/harrassement/wrongful termination suit in motion. I have the paper work that i need to file for the EEOC and have done about 1/2 of it...but in answering all those questions it brings back everything my boss put me through and i just can't handle dealing with those emotions and feelings right now.

Something else i need to do is get moving on filing for social security disability. i have a number to a lawyer who does disability cases, but i haven't called b/c i'm assuming that he will want me to round up information like doctors names and numbers and addresses and the same for the hospitals i went to....and i just don't have the energy to do that either.

Then there's all my student loans that are about to go into default again....i don't even want to think about that.

And my oven doesnt' work. And my refridge doestn' work anymore either (well actually the freezer stays cold enough to keep milk fress so i'm using the freezer as a fridge...LOL) and my power steering/air conditioning belt won't stay on my car....now they are thinking it has something to do with ohh...something in the air conditioner. Which fall is here so i don't need air, but the power steerings been out for like 1.5 years and you'd think i'd be use to turning that sucker....but nope....specially when i'me feeling like i am today. I can barely lift my own arm....turning that wheel, well i know yesterday i didn't feel 1/2 this bad and it hurt majorly to turn that wheel.

That's another thing......anyone else have their bodies hurt when they are depressed? I asked another bipolar about this a couple weeks ago and he said he doesn't and that maybe i have fibromialgia? I had just thought that since this only really happens along side my depression that....that's what it was...was the physical symptom of the depression and that people who think they have fibromialgia actually are dealing with depression? I don't know?

I've also got to stop smoking soon b/c of the diagnosis of early stage emphazima....but haven't had any luck yet. Although, with this new higher dose of Welbutrin i've only smoked 4 packs this week (which i would have normally smoked a carton so that's a 60 % decrease in my smoking without even trying...so i'm pretty pleased about that)

Anyway, there were some more things i wanted to say, but it's 5 a.m and i'm extremely tired so i'm making myself get off here now.

Hugs and thanks for listening,
Jenna