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its funny how you learn things about yourself...
I figuered out why im such an attention *****. It makes sense to me now. I've always played "second fiddle" to everyone in my life. Especially the most important (and significant) yet the most selfish person in my life. My Mother. I've been asking her to help me get a cell phone under her name for almost 3 or 4 months now. She's beend telling me that she cant, or that she wont, or whatever. Well, she comes home today and Jimmy flaunts his new cell phone in my face (and i mean, literally, sticks it in my face and says, look what yo mommy bought me) So, once again, my mother puts me second...before some f*cking man who has only been around for a year. Im so sick of this ****. I dont understand how a mother can treat her own child that way. I swear the number one goal in my life is to prove that i'll NEVER be like her. Ever! Im so sick of hurting inside...im so sick of crying, and longing to go "home". when in reality, there is no such thing as home for me. There never has been, and probably never will be. Even tho i pray and wish and hope that one day i will hvae my own home.
I've had a rough day, needless to say, and of course, now Jimmy is against me in all senses becaue, im being "rude" to my mother. When, im simply just not really having any feelings towards her whatsoever. Its not about a stupid cell phone, its about how she has never put me first...I know im 20 years old, i understand and respect that. But damn, i've gone a LOOOOONG way off the tracks. and i need someone to help me get back on them. Whats someone to think when there own MOTHER wont help them do that? Yes...im living under her boyfriends roof. But, it isnt hers. I dont know...i think the depression side is kicking in again...
And of course, Bryan called me earlier tonight, and wants me to call him back, yet, i cant get thourgh to his cellphone, and i dont know where to call to.
Im so f*cking upset..and emotional...im sick of crying all the time, and sick of pretending...im always pretending..that everything is ok.
but really, it isnt.
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Luv ya! Linzi |