[shutterbug]

Hi. I don't even know what to say really (funny huh). I wasn't thinking and got a HUGE drama started in another forum....so much drama that 3 or 4 threads got locked. I definetly don't ever want to go back to that forum, but this mental health forum of SR is the only place where I feel I have even the resemblence of a family that can understand me and a place were I (as obviously as mentally sick as I am) can somehow feel like I have the opportunity to help others. But now....even though that drama has ended *thank you Jesus* I feel broken, hurt, confused, wounded and very, very sad.

I don't feel comfortable even posting in this mental health forum anymore and am thinking about totally leaving SR for good. I'm not one to ever do well under or after feeling attacked. Any time I come here, even to just this little corner of SR,....what happened the past 2 days will always haunt me b/c when I feel hurt that sticks with me for a long time. I honestly don't know if I can visit here without ever feeling like an unwanted outsider now. This place feels tainted and uncomfortable now (sad to say, resembling how I felt in my childhood home). I don't want to leave this corner of SR, but I honestly dont' feel welcome anymore b/c of what happened. It's stressed me so much that I became sick at my stomach and I started throwing up as I was trying to drive home from my sister's last night.

It feels like I'm a walking black plague. I feel cursed b/c everywhere I go, in any life I try to become a part of....I screw it all up...i hurt myself and i hurt others. I cant' even think of any words that would adequately describe how bad I'm putting myself down right now...there are no words to describe it. I'm pretty certian that I've lost ANOTHER best friend last night from what all this stirred up. That makes 2 friends in one week!!!! And now I feel like I'm lossing a whole family by not feeling comfortable coming to SR any more at all.

God...I know somehow I am always bringing this stuff on myself and it seems like the only way to stop it is to STOP talking openly about my feelings to anybody and everybody. I feel that I will never be able to trust anyone ever again b/c I either hurt them, hurt myself, hurt both and often even hurt many others. I feel selfish for attempting to have any kind of relationship with anyone b/c of what I end up bringing to their front doors....the black plague of drama that seems to surround my life. This makes 3 best friends and several other close friends I've lost in less than a year. If I lose SR then I don't have anyone who understands, cares and is always here for me. I feel so utterly alone...and the sad part is that I'm glad at the moment even though I say this through tears. Yeah...as someone reminded me...I do have my heavenly father, but we also all need to feel we have people in our lives who can love and who can at least understand us a little. I dont' know...I feel like the level of my whining has gotten to a point where people will think that I can't possibly feel the way I am saying...but my words and my feeling are honest. I feel I am at the bottom of the barrel (only my barrel is a deep, dark abyss and I'm so lost that very few people can even see me anymore.

I also feel hurt that the SR powers that be never came down to even try to help me....everyone could see that I unintentionally got a cluster started, but it took 2 days and too many intense emotions before it was shut down. And others now have even started threads talking about the drama surrounding me and my friend where they are talking about what they learned yesterday and it feels like people are using something that was painful to me to help themselves in their recovery efforts. Maybe I'm being selfish and self-absorbed, but there's something about me hurting and them feeling uplifted that just doesn't make me feel very good about myself.

If there was a scale to measure how bad I feel about myself (100 being the best and 0 being the worst) I think at the moment I would say I'm about a 5. I can't get much lower. I honestly can't.

I just don't know what to do or what to say. I can't even explain any of this very well. I just know that I am really hurting and I feel I should leave this place, which for a year has been my safe haven, behind me and never look back because I dont' feel safe here anymore.

no hugs for me thanks,
Jenna